I still feel as if I have no clue as to what You have called me to do or how to do it. My days and weeks are like a "Catch 22" and this particular week feels like, well, at least 3 steps back? I believe that if I draw near to You then You will draw near to me in return. But sometimes it feels like the game I used to play with my boys when they were toddlers. They would crawl after me and I would move away from them. But my intention was to keep them crawling after me. This was all fun (for me, anyway) until one day my youngest son wasn't finding much pleasure in that anymore. He was a little slower than my oldest son and was getting frustrated trying to keep up with me and began to cry. So I stopped. I never played like that with him again.
But with You, I feel more like my oldest son. Like somehow You know that I will keep 'crawling' after You, if need be, until I catch hold of You. While on the other hand, You are not running ahead so far and fast that I am able to eventually catch up. And so we go. But on occasion, I feel like my youngest son. And I want to just sit here, pout, and cry (in my own little pity party) until You finally stop moving on ahead and come back for me. But I know You won't. Because You know me.One son is no better than the other in my eyes, as it is with You. But You know each one of us so well that we can honestly say You will put no more on us than what we are able to bear. And You expect no more from us than that which we are capable of.
In my hand, You have placed talents (something entrusted to me). I'm not sure if it is one, two, five, small, medium, or large, but I have been given a certain amount of something that You, O shrewd Master, are expecting a return on WITH INTEREST (ouch)! And You have seen me (many times) kneeling down in the sand -and not about to write something mysterious and powerfully convicting- but with a shovel trying to dig a hole big enough to bury whatever this is I am afraid to put to use because I really don't fear You. But like so many times before, I can feel Your spirit breathing down my back and nudging me forward into something far deeper and greater than I could ever imagine...and I still won't move or stretch forth my hand.
So, how do I find out what it is that I am so wickedly and lazily holding on to? Perhaps I should go back to December of 1983, where I first asked You into my heart, began to hear Your voice clearly for the first time, and received my first clue. I'm sure You said some things that I have simply forgotten because I have been hearing so much from so many, myself included. Or the cares of this life, as You said they would, have entered in and choked the life out of those words (which is impossible because the words You speak are spirit and life, but it sure can seem like it sometimes). Yes, all the way back to the moment when I first saw the Light and then turned my eyes and empty hands to You. Chances are, whatever 'talent' You placed there is still there today. Help me, Lord, to give it all away...please.
It's good that you are writing. It will help your heart :) I remember crying out to God a few months back. I was so frustrated. It seemed something was intentionally put in front of me then yanked away. I kept saying . Why would you do that Lord? ( of course in more of a throwing a fit tone LOL) I asked that for about 2 days. Suddenly clear as day He said, "Lisa I didn't do that do you." I realized at that moment the enemy had robbed me.
ReplyDeleteYou have a gift. Sometimes we just have to stop thinking so hard and suddenly it will all be clear.
There is so much I don't understand but this one thing I know. If you couldn't bear to hear your son cry being an earthly father, how much more the God of ALL fathers? He loves you and HIS ways and plans are always good. He never moves away. Praying for you and your family. I don't know a lot of things but I know He really really loves you :) Mediate on that. The rest will come.
Michael,
ReplyDeleteGod is not waiting for you to come crawling back to Him, He is not waiting for you to fear Him. He is not waiting for you to release what your holding onto except your grief, even then He is knows the grief of loosing a son. All He wants you to do is let go and let Him. When I had my first miscarriage while we were in Chicago (one of the worst times in my life living there), I was devistated. I was being taught at the time that my words brought things on, so I blamed myself for complaining about our living conditions, our poverty and everything I could think of. I cried so many times and grieved the loss of that child constantly. Everyday I wondered what he would have been like, what color would his hair have been, what color were his eyes and so many more questions. I was being taught that what happened to me was because of some sin in my life. It was all about what I did to make this happen. I was attending this ladies group every week and on the exact anniversary one year later the leader of our group asked one of the other ladies to pray with me. I was overcome with grief and yet even though I cried I could not get it all out. This lady (whom by the way had 7 children) grabbed my hands looked me in the eye and started weeping, then she started wailing, fell on her knees and cried. I realized that she was doing everything I had wanted to do for that whole year, yet at this point I did not cry. I inhaled and let out a deep breath and exhaled. I was free!
Not by repenting, not by letting go, not by anything I did, but what she did for me. It was a picture of what Jesus did for me.
Michael, it is not about what you do or don't do. It is about what He has already done for you. He bore you grief, he bore your pain, he bore your suffering and so much more. Exhale! I know you have probably been on your knees crying out to the Lord many times. But if you haven't, it's okay to cry at His feet, it's okay to not have anything to say, it's okay to be angry.
Don't let the devil tell you it was something you could have prevented, don't let the devil tell you now that you have to do something to feel better.
What I have come the learn is that it was nothing I did or didn't do to make me loose that baby. It wasn't my fault because of the words I spoke. It was just something that happened because of the fallen world that we live in. I did not play a part in that horrible event in my life. Unfortunately as you know I endured much worse later on when I lost our Hannah Grace when I was 31 weeks pregnant. But you know something, I had much more peace then because I knew God did not "allow" it to happen, God didn't "make" it happen. I knew at that point that I did not serve a God that took those things from me but a God that would be there for me when I hurt.
I have learned so much more even since then. I can now say that I actually KNOW that God loves me, I know He is there for me and I don't have to do anything to get His attention, I ALREADY HAVE HIS ATTENTION! I saved as I was, He loved me as I was, and He is with me no matter what.
You do not wait for your children to cry out to you, you do not wait for your children to let go of something before you love them, you do not want your children in pain or for them to suffer.
I am to long winded, had to do in 2 parts. HA
ReplyDeleteWhen one of your children fell down, even if you were walking right beside them, you didn't allow it, it just happened. But when it did you picked them up said it would be all better, kiss their bobo, you told them it would be alright and that it would heal. You didn't fuss at them and asked "why didn't you watch where you were going", you didn't tell them "you didn't pick up your feet so I let you fall"......how silly is that? Then why do we think we always have "to do" something to make Jesus take us in His arms and tell us it's gonna be okay.
HE LOVES YOU MORE THAN WE COULD EVER LOVE OUR CHILDREN. Don't worry about what YOU need TO DO to so call "restore" your relationship with God. Just because we stumble does not make Him go away, He didn't go away from you before you were saved why would He now that you are His.
I know when I am upset about something, I don't worry about getting into some "position of praise" or what my prayers sound like. If I am angry, I tell the Lord I'm angry, if I am hurt, I fuss and say "that hurt" I just let it out. I don't worry about making my words sound eloquent or try to make sure I am praying right. God knows my heart anyway so I just say how I feel. And you know what, He speaks to me every time! I love that about God. It's not about putting on fronts for Him, He already knows whats inside. Let Him Have It! Love you and wish I could be there to hold you and weep for you and with you. We love you!