I am mainly asking myself -again- what I really believe and why. Most of the time I am pretty sure of what I believe, I am just not sure why. Other times it seems the other way around. The rest of the time I am not so sure that I am sure of anything...except my faith in a God that I have never seen. This is the new underlying current of my life when all else makes no sense...God.
I am also learning a lot about what faith is not. I have spent many years in faith 'movements' that have helped me to understand certain aspects of it, but nothing like the one that is moving me right now. What do you do when all that you believe gets a curve ball thrown at it? Or is blind-sided? One thing I have learned is that I held a bat with a curve that was bigger than I ever imagined and that I have been paying premiums on a far greater 'assurance' policy than I realized. This is another aspect of faith...it is meant to see me through the difficult times, just as it has seen me through the good times in my life. And it takes the same amount, a grain of mustard seed. Sometimes, like now, I feel that is all I have and that it is enough. The same thing Jesus told Paul when He said, "My grace is sufficient (enough), for My strength is made perfect in weakness..."
I am also learning that faith is trust and true faith is trust in God, whether I am facing the Red Sea, the lions' den, or Golgotha. And aren't we as believers told to take up our cross and follow Him, denying our selves? That takes some serious trust! Especially when we understand the purpose of a cross and it's final destination. Never in all my years as a 'Christian' have I known this kind of trust in Jesus as Savior and Lord, and yet now it seems this is where He has been leading me all along. I have made several commitments to follow Him, the last one being at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, a time when I mean it wholeheartedly and my future seemed more uncertain than ever before.
Now if faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen, then what I am hoping for is changing as I become more aware that it is Christ in me, the hope of glory and my life is hidden with Him in God to be fully revealed at the last day (along with my faith). And without (true) faith (in God), it is IMPOSSIBLE to please Him, because in order to come to Him I must first believe that He is (exists). And if I seek Him diligently, then the reward is finding HIM, which also means to find my true self that has been hidden away with Christ in Him. Right now this diligent search means so much more to me than anything I have ever applied my 'faith' to, including trying to keep my son alive or bring him back from death. Why? Because my life, ultimately, and the saving of many others heavily depend on it.
