life is all about choices

Especially the choice to live. In Deuteronomy 30:19, God admonishes His people to "choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live..." Life is all about choices and we are constantly faced with them. From what we eat for breakfast to where we choose to reside. But the choice to live is more than just remaining alive physically, it also has to do with deciding to be alive in every way, spirit, soul, and body. Yes, we are all going to die of something, as it is appointed unto man once to die (Hebrews (9:27), but what we do to expedite that fact can make all the difference. When we decide to take our own life, we also take life away from all of those around us and replace it with pain and scars that can last a lifetime.
At some point my son began to believe that it was better to be dead than to be alive. James 1:15 talks about a progression that I think supports my claim. He said that we are drawn away by our lusts or desires and then enticed. It then becomes sin or transgression and eventually death. I believe the more we choose to believe anything, eventually that is what we will become or have manifested outwardly in our lives. Romans 10 says that we believe with the heart and then confession or agreement is made or formed according to that belief - whatever it is. To believe that one is already dead only stands to reason that one will die, even while living.
I believe that we have to do whatever it takes with all our heart, soul, and mind to make sure that we are believing the truth.
One way to do this is what Jesus spoke of in Mark 4:24, when he said to take heed what we hear. There are many different voices and influences that we can choose to listen to, or not, that will help us determine what we believe and what will be carried out in our lives. Which is exactly why we should be very careful in choosing the ones we allow to enter in and influence what we believe. If we truly believe that life is worth living, then we will truly live and encourage others to do the same.
Personally, I didn't realize how much I wasn't really living all these years until my son died. That is one good thing that has come to me from all of this - choosing to really live in every way. And I encourage everyone who reads this to do the same.

the dark sayings of a teenager

Part of what I hope to do is to help parents and teenagers learn from things we saw in our son, and live as a result. I spoke with the mother of a struggling teen recently and she asked me if my son had any dark writings.Of course he did and we knew about them. He was a huge fan of dark, everything from clothes to music and movies. We were always trying to encourage his 'creative writing' while discouraging the darkness contained therein but he seemed bent on embracing the dark side of just about everything, especially music. I am not afraid to say that he loved Eminem and the song 'Stan.' (He had pretty much memorized all of the lyrics to many of Eminem's songs) Looking back now, the only thing I think I would do different is turn up the volume on the positive influence in the hope that I might overshadow the negative thereby diminishing its hold somehow. That is, of course, knowing what I know now.

I want to share some of his writings here and encourage parents to be aware of what your children are doing, writing, watching, listening to, and even who they are dating and hanging out with. Some of the things that we are yet discovering have stirred a lot of mixed emotions for my family, mostly the pain of the truth and the helplessness of not being able to have done anything to prevent them without keeping him locked up in the house or juvenile. If you really care about your teen/s, then become the best 'anti-drug' you can be while constantly affirming your love for them and helping to develop their character.

My son wrote this long before he took his life last year:
The light is slowly fading, turning gray
My only concern is, what should I say?
My last few words should reflect who I am
People should see them and think, wow, what a great man!
But the other side of me wants to say what I've hidden
But another side of me wants to say, I'm just kidding
 But the fact of the matter is that I'm still dying
And what matters the most is that I'm still trying
To please all my friends and the one that I love
 But I guess it's too late, I'm too high above

I sincerely hope this helps someone enough to save their life. I am tired of this teen suicide epidemic already. 

my teenager committed suicide

Having recently lost a teenager to suicide, I now have an opinion on the matter. However, I am in no way attempting to make myself an expert or a professional on the subject. What I do know is that I loved my son as much as I possibly knew how to and I miss him more than I thought I ever would. 

Every teen suicide is unique for many reasons, the main one being that each 'victim' is uniquely different from all of the others. Also the circumstances surrounding each teen is different, ie, family, school, activities, relationships, and even the beliefs and mindset of each. For example, two teens committing suicide the same way are still almost completely different because of the factors driving the two and the circumstances surrounding them. Therefore, my grieving and even my counseling will be and should be different. The things that help and hurt me are not the same for the other fathers and mothers. I have seen this first-hand as I observe the way even my wife and I grieve the loss of our son.

I want to share in this blog that at this time in my grieving (about 6 months) I only have one question and that is, why? I will probably never know but will probably always ask. It is tough for me because my son left no note telling us why. All we have to go on is what we know about him, his friends, and his activities and even those don't lead us to the answers we would love to have. It would have been good for him to at least say goodbye, esp since I am convinced that he had planned this for some time. But because he never really did greet us coming or going, it's not so bad. So for me, not knowing is what hurts the most. For someone else that may be a source of comfort.