losing more than a son

This is probably more my own personal experience than my opinion, although I do believe that any death of any loved one in any way has lots of losses attached to it. However, when the death is suicide, it seems to cut deeper and much wider. I am referring mostly to relationships. From family to friends (even enemies) and everything in between. For me, grieving would be a lot easier and would probably have ended by now had it only been over the loss of my son. I must admit, I was dealt a blow above and below the belt that I just didn't see coming! Even if someone had warned me, I don't think that would have lessened the blow much.
I have found myself concluding within myself that I am not the one who committed suicide. Neither am I the one who caused my son to commit suicide. Yet people who were close to me have made me feel as though I have a terminal disease that is contagious or that I am now wearing somewhat of a 'scarlet letter' on my breast to keep them away, lest they too should become affected/infected by it. Yet in the center of that crowd of onlookers and passers-by I am here with Jesus as He writes in the sand and turns my would-be accusers away one by one.
I am learning - the hard way - that it really doesn't have anything to do with me or my son, but rather a struggle within themselves to deal with the shocking and sudden reality that suicide brings like no other. To ask questions that can't be answered yet. And to ignore the very obvious which can't be ignored. Not realizing that I struggle with all of these but much more frequently. And until we face these very difficult and painful issues head-on, we will never experience the freedom and peace that really does transcend our understanding.
Only then, I believe, can we truly be there for those survivors of suicide who really need someone to just...be there.
There is a bright side to all of this. It seems that through the absence of these people, many others have come along to fill their places and I have been blessed to meet some really warm and caring people who don't seem the least bit turned off by my son's death, but almost attracted to it and not afraid to show it. This too has taught me a lot about my Savior and my God and the heart they must have for people who are suffering. Jesus said in Matthew 5:4 that those who mourn are blessed, for they shall be comforted. If you have somehow found yourself in my shoes, then I encourage you to find comfort in Him and His words.

...and another one gone

Yes, another teenager has committed suicide. Well, I know there have been several but I was closely connected to this one. He was the same age as my son, 17, and he also hung himself at home just like my son. But when they told me that he broke his neck in the process, that really got me to thinking about the pain this young man must have been experiencing on the inside to inflict so much pain on the outside. And what a painful way physically to rid oneself of pain inwardly! I have heard that said about body-piercings and cutting and there must be a lot of truth to that.
But I was also thinking about other outward acts of pain like rape, assault, child abuse, and even murder. Perhaps these all originate from a similar place of pain inside a person that they may be trying to find relief from, but it just doesn't work. Suicide may seem to be an effective means to end the inner pain for those who know no other way, but ironically, it only creates more outward pain for all the surviving loved ones and friends. But there is, I believe, another much more effective Way to deal with the inner pain and His name is Jesus. He will either heal it, remove it, or walk one through it without causing pain to anyone else. This is how I am 'handling' the pain that was caused by my son's suicide and I highly recommend him to everyone out there who may be experiencing something similar or just as painful.