Honestly...

I still feel as if I have no clue as to what You have called me to do or how to do it. My days and weeks are like a "Catch 22" and this particular week feels like, well, at least 3 steps back? I believe that if I draw near to You then You will draw near to me in return. But sometimes it feels like the game I used to play with my boys when they were toddlers. They would crawl after me and I would move away from them. But my intention was to keep them crawling after me. This was all fun (for me, anyway) until one day my youngest son wasn't finding much pleasure in that anymore. He was a little slower than my oldest son and was getting frustrated trying to keep up with me and began to cry. So I stopped. I never played like that with him again. 

But with You, I feel more like my oldest son. Like somehow You know that I will keep 'crawling' after You, if need be, until I catch hold of You. While on the other hand, You are not running ahead so far and fast that I am able to eventually catch up. And so we go. But on occasion, I feel like my youngest son. And I want to just sit here, pout, and cry (in my own little pity party) until You finally stop moving on ahead and come back for me. But I know You won't. Because You know me.One son is no better than the other in my eyes, as it is with You. But You know each one of us so well that we can honestly say You will put no more on us than what we are able to bear. And You expect no more from us than that which we are capable of. 

In my hand, You have placed talents (something entrusted to me). I'm not sure if it is one, two, five, small, medium, or large, but I have been given a certain amount of something that You, O shrewd Master, are expecting a return on WITH INTEREST (ouch)! And You have seen me (many times) kneeling down in the sand -and not about to write something mysterious and powerfully convicting- but with a shovel trying to dig a hole big enough to bury whatever this is I am afraid to put to use because I really don't fear You. But like so many times before, I can feel Your spirit breathing down my back and nudging me forward into something far deeper and greater than I could ever imagine...and I still won't move or stretch forth my hand.
 
So, how do I find out what it is that I am so wickedly and lazily holding on to? Perhaps I should go back to December of 1983, where I first asked You into my heart, began to hear Your voice clearly for the first time, and received my first clue. I'm sure You said some things that I have simply forgotten because I have been hearing so much from so many, myself included. Or the cares of this life, as You said they would, have entered in and choked the life out of those words (which is impossible because the words You speak are spirit and life, but it sure can seem like it sometimes). Yes, all the way back to the moment when I first saw the Light and then turned my eyes and empty hands to You. Chances are, whatever 'talent' You placed there is still there today. Help me, Lord, to give it all away...please.

Some things are better left 'unknown'

“The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.” This is a quote from Deuteronomy 29:29, which basically tells me that there are some things we just don’t know. Maybe we will know them in heaven when all is revealed, maybe not. I also believe this was the case with the tree in the midst of the garden mentioned in Genesis. Although it was referred to as the ‘tree of the knowledge of good and evil’ and carried with it a ‘disclaimer’ that eating from it would make them like God, knowing good and evil, it did not make them all-knowing (or, omniscient) like God. Neither did it make them omnipotent, omnipresent, or any of the other all-encompassing attributes that God  is. Perhaps it was Adam and Eve’s misunderstanding of the instruction concerning the tree and its true description and potential danger. When it comes to mankind, I believe  God loves us so much that He has placed limitations on how much we can know about Him, from Him, and see or even perceive of Him. In Genesis 3, after putting Adam and Eve out of the garden, He placed an angel with a flaming sword there “to keep the way of the tree of life” (v. 24), thereby protecting it from them and them from it!

And what about the infamous city of Babel in Genesis 11 where the people got a (crazy) notion to build a tower that would reach up to heaven LEST THEY BE SCATTERED ABROAD OVER THE EARTH. How ironic! Even though God responded to this first by acknowledging that their unified efforts would allow them to achieve anything they set out to do, He would only allow them to go so far, thus He thwarted their plans by destroying their ability to communicate effectively with one another. The end result: they were scattered abroad over the earth. Isaiah 14 also talks about the boast of Lucifer and his claim that he will exalt himself and his throne above God’s. And how did that work for him? Verse 15: “Yet you shall be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.” That’s quite a fall. Need I mention Job and his friends and the way God put them all in their little finite places because they were trying to declare things they did not understand, much less know? The old testament is full of examples in which God rebukes humans who were nowhere around when He created the world as we know it, including us.

A Christian songwriter once wrote:
“God is God and I am not.
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting.
God is God and I am man, so I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God.”

And He has reserved for Himself that right. I also believe that that it is for our highest good and we should be content with that. Yes, I believe that God reveals things to us by His Spirit, but not all things. And yes, I have the mind of Christ, which means that I am capable of thinking like Him and doing what He does, but not to know everything that He knows. Just like God told Adam and Eve that they could FREELY EAT of all the other trees in the garden, Deuteronomy 29 says that the things that ARE revealed belong to us and our children forever. And I believe there is so much that has been revealed that we will spend the rest of our earthly lives striving to obtain just a portion of it! Paul also said in 1 Corinthians 13:9,10 that we see in part and we prophesy in part, BUT when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part will be done away. As children grow into adults, so also do we see and know more clearly as we grow in faith and grace, but we have yet to see and know those secret things

God is God and He is holy. And I don’t think we even know what true holiness is. But He seems to have us living out somewhat of an endless ‘Catch 22′ by telling us to be holy and perfect (mature, complete) as He is holy and perfect, which we obviously are not. So, why does He do us like that? I believe it is because of the absence of and need for eternity, and finding our role in it, that He created within us that is meant to keep us seeking, hungering, thirsting, and longing for Him and His righteousness (we’re not 100% sure what that one is either). I like what Paul goes on to say in 1 Corinthians 13:12, that now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face. And now we KNOW in part, but then shall we know even as we are known (Brown’s paraphrase). If this is true, then my true self is only known and seen by Him. How can I possibly claim to fully know Him when I don’t even fully know myself because THAT is, on this side of eternity, only known by Him? And when I really think about it, knowing myself the way that an all-knowing God knows me is kinda scary.