losing more than a son

This is probably more my own personal experience than my opinion, although I do believe that any death of any loved one in any way has lots of losses attached to it. However, when the death is suicide, it seems to cut deeper and much wider. I am referring mostly to relationships. From family to friends (even enemies) and everything in between. For me, grieving would be a lot easier and would probably have ended by now had it only been over the loss of my son. I must admit, I was dealt a blow above and below the belt that I just didn't see coming! Even if someone had warned me, I don't think that would have lessened the blow much.
I have found myself concluding within myself that I am not the one who committed suicide. Neither am I the one who caused my son to commit suicide. Yet people who were close to me have made me feel as though I have a terminal disease that is contagious or that I am now wearing somewhat of a 'scarlet letter' on my breast to keep them away, lest they too should become affected/infected by it. Yet in the center of that crowd of onlookers and passers-by I am here with Jesus as He writes in the sand and turns my would-be accusers away one by one.
I am learning - the hard way - that it really doesn't have anything to do with me or my son, but rather a struggle within themselves to deal with the shocking and sudden reality that suicide brings like no other. To ask questions that can't be answered yet. And to ignore the very obvious which can't be ignored. Not realizing that I struggle with all of these but much more frequently. And until we face these very difficult and painful issues head-on, we will never experience the freedom and peace that really does transcend our understanding.
Only then, I believe, can we truly be there for those survivors of suicide who really need someone to just...be there.
There is a bright side to all of this. It seems that through the absence of these people, many others have come along to fill their places and I have been blessed to meet some really warm and caring people who don't seem the least bit turned off by my son's death, but almost attracted to it and not afraid to show it. This too has taught me a lot about my Savior and my God and the heart they must have for people who are suffering. Jesus said in Matthew 5:4 that those who mourn are blessed, for they shall be comforted. If you have somehow found yourself in my shoes, then I encourage you to find comfort in Him and His words.

...and another one gone

Yes, another teenager has committed suicide. Well, I know there have been several but I was closely connected to this one. He was the same age as my son, 17, and he also hung himself at home just like my son. But when they told me that he broke his neck in the process, that really got me to thinking about the pain this young man must have been experiencing on the inside to inflict so much pain on the outside. And what a painful way physically to rid oneself of pain inwardly! I have heard that said about body-piercings and cutting and there must be a lot of truth to that.
But I was also thinking about other outward acts of pain like rape, assault, child abuse, and even murder. Perhaps these all originate from a similar place of pain inside a person that they may be trying to find relief from, but it just doesn't work. Suicide may seem to be an effective means to end the inner pain for those who know no other way, but ironically, it only creates more outward pain for all the surviving loved ones and friends. But there is, I believe, another much more effective Way to deal with the inner pain and His name is Jesus. He will either heal it, remove it, or walk one through it without causing pain to anyone else. This is how I am 'handling' the pain that was caused by my son's suicide and I highly recommend him to everyone out there who may be experiencing something similar or just as painful.

The journey continues...

So now this tragedy seems to be leading me to Israel of all places and I am feeling somewhat thankful to Christopher for this. Jesus said that except see grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies it abides alone, but it yields a harvest. And I believe I am beginning to get a new understanding of this in this season of my life. But it doesn't come without a price and it ain't cheap. Is it worth it though? From God's viewpoint it is. For who understands this better than He?

Some things never go away...

I was thinking about this today and started reading about Jesus and His prayer in the garden of Gethsemane. He prayed earnestly for 'this cup to pass' but wound up surrendering to the unchangeable will of the Father.
This, I believe is why He was able to tell Paul, after he pleaded with Him three times that His grace was sufficient because His strength is made as perfect in weakness. I also believe this is what He told me while I was praying about the pain that I have been feeling lately. I too have to surrender and submit myself to the 'will' (good pleasure) of the Father, knowing that though my spirit is willing, my flesh is powerless and cannot handle what is inevitable and unchangeable. AND then believe the unchangeable truth that His grace really is sufficient so that I can receive it and allow it to be manifested in me and thus have His strength (Philippians 4:13) made perfect in my weakness.

life is all about choices

Especially the choice to live. In Deuteronomy 30:19, God admonishes His people to "choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live..." Life is all about choices and we are constantly faced with them. From what we eat for breakfast to where we choose to reside. But the choice to live is more than just remaining alive physically, it also has to do with deciding to be alive in every way, spirit, soul, and body. Yes, we are all going to die of something, as it is appointed unto man once to die (Hebrews (9:27), but what we do to expedite that fact can make all the difference. When we decide to take our own life, we also take life away from all of those around us and replace it with pain and scars that can last a lifetime.
At some point my son began to believe that it was better to be dead than to be alive. James 1:15 talks about a progression that I think supports my claim. He said that we are drawn away by our lusts or desires and then enticed. It then becomes sin or transgression and eventually death. I believe the more we choose to believe anything, eventually that is what we will become or have manifested outwardly in our lives. Romans 10 says that we believe with the heart and then confession or agreement is made or formed according to that belief - whatever it is. To believe that one is already dead only stands to reason that one will die, even while living.
I believe that we have to do whatever it takes with all our heart, soul, and mind to make sure that we are believing the truth.
One way to do this is what Jesus spoke of in Mark 4:24, when he said to take heed what we hear. There are many different voices and influences that we can choose to listen to, or not, that will help us determine what we believe and what will be carried out in our lives. Which is exactly why we should be very careful in choosing the ones we allow to enter in and influence what we believe. If we truly believe that life is worth living, then we will truly live and encourage others to do the same.
Personally, I didn't realize how much I wasn't really living all these years until my son died. That is one good thing that has come to me from all of this - choosing to really live in every way. And I encourage everyone who reads this to do the same.

the dark sayings of a teenager

Part of what I hope to do is to help parents and teenagers learn from things we saw in our son, and live as a result. I spoke with the mother of a struggling teen recently and she asked me if my son had any dark writings.Of course he did and we knew about them. He was a huge fan of dark, everything from clothes to music and movies. We were always trying to encourage his 'creative writing' while discouraging the darkness contained therein but he seemed bent on embracing the dark side of just about everything, especially music. I am not afraid to say that he loved Eminem and the song 'Stan.' (He had pretty much memorized all of the lyrics to many of Eminem's songs) Looking back now, the only thing I think I would do different is turn up the volume on the positive influence in the hope that I might overshadow the negative thereby diminishing its hold somehow. That is, of course, knowing what I know now.

I want to share some of his writings here and encourage parents to be aware of what your children are doing, writing, watching, listening to, and even who they are dating and hanging out with. Some of the things that we are yet discovering have stirred a lot of mixed emotions for my family, mostly the pain of the truth and the helplessness of not being able to have done anything to prevent them without keeping him locked up in the house or juvenile. If you really care about your teen/s, then become the best 'anti-drug' you can be while constantly affirming your love for them and helping to develop their character.

My son wrote this long before he took his life last year:
The light is slowly fading, turning gray
My only concern is, what should I say?
My last few words should reflect who I am
People should see them and think, wow, what a great man!
But the other side of me wants to say what I've hidden
But another side of me wants to say, I'm just kidding
 But the fact of the matter is that I'm still dying
And what matters the most is that I'm still trying
To please all my friends and the one that I love
 But I guess it's too late, I'm too high above

I sincerely hope this helps someone enough to save their life. I am tired of this teen suicide epidemic already. 

my teenager committed suicide

Having recently lost a teenager to suicide, I now have an opinion on the matter. However, I am in no way attempting to make myself an expert or a professional on the subject. What I do know is that I loved my son as much as I possibly knew how to and I miss him more than I thought I ever would. 

Every teen suicide is unique for many reasons, the main one being that each 'victim' is uniquely different from all of the others. Also the circumstances surrounding each teen is different, ie, family, school, activities, relationships, and even the beliefs and mindset of each. For example, two teens committing suicide the same way are still almost completely different because of the factors driving the two and the circumstances surrounding them. Therefore, my grieving and even my counseling will be and should be different. The things that help and hurt me are not the same for the other fathers and mothers. I have seen this first-hand as I observe the way even my wife and I grieve the loss of our son.

I want to share in this blog that at this time in my grieving (about 6 months) I only have one question and that is, why? I will probably never know but will probably always ask. It is tough for me because my son left no note telling us why. All we have to go on is what we know about him, his friends, and his activities and even those don't lead us to the answers we would love to have. It would have been good for him to at least say goodbye, esp since I am convinced that he had planned this for some time. But because he never really did greet us coming or going, it's not so bad. So for me, not knowing is what hurts the most. For someone else that may be a source of comfort.