"...at the end, I'm in need of resurrection.
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead.
What I've lost to the world, what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again."
-Resurrection, Nicole Smith
One year after my son's death, I feel like this is where I am. Lately, there has been this hollow feeling deep inside me that I can't locate or explain. But it's there. So may things I once knew, had, understood, did, and sought after have all somehow made it down into this hollow space and never to return. It's almost as though God has gotten into the control panel of my heart and life and uninstalled some programs and sent them to the recycle bin to be deleted. Now I am waiting for new necessary programs to be installed...upgrades, if you will.
And this is not a bad thing. I am thinking about what Paul said in Philippians about counting all things loss in exchange for the excellency of knowing Jesus, the One for whom I have suffered the loss of these things that I may ultimately win Him (whatmichaelbrownthinks paraphrase). With every loss there is a void that must be filled with something. It is becoming my belief that only Jesus can and wants to effectively fill these voids with Himself, but we have to allow Him to do so. What He fails to mention is the awful pain associated with these losses that are designed to get us to that place of need. If we don't allow Him to fill those empty places they will be filled with something. And without death there can be no resurrection, something He knows full well.
I do not believe that He gives and takes away, as Job stated, but rather that He is the One who replenishes what has been taken away. And in His sovereignty He allows things in our lives to be lost so that there can be a true redemption of those things, and even our very lives. If it is true that He chose us to bear fruit that will remain, then He must know what needs to be pruned from us in order to produce that fruit. We are not the gardener - nor the potter - only the new creation that He is trying to make. And being created in His image and likeness, He is the only One who knows what the end result will look like. (1 John 3:2)
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
a father's pain...
Someone once told me that I am a 'Bill Cosby' dad. This was during the time my wife and I were expecting our daughter. I was so excited that I only missed one appointment from the time we first learned we were pregnant until she was born and I was constantly talking to her and cradling her...while she was in the womb! My two sons were adopted so I missed that time with them, which I believe is a very critical time in their lives. Nevertheless, I was with my oldest when he was circumcised at about age 2 and I got to see my second son first learn to crawl (backwards!) and then take his first steps.
As they all grew to crawl, walk, talk, and eventually run my heart grew more tender toward them when they stumbled. Once my daughter fell trying to run to me. My oldest son got his hand caught in an exercise bike and cried for me until I got home. My second son almost blew his hand off with a smoke bomb. As they became older there were roller blades, scooters, and bikes and the boys played football and, of course, the bumps and bruises grew worse. You see, they knew that I was always the one who removed the splinters, glass fragments, and ticks and whatever else I could do to 'make it better.' I think it was probably more for ME to feel better because my heart would ache knowing that they had hurt themselves in any way. Once my second son had a toothache that hurt so bad it brought him to tears and because he was bigger than I -and a little stronger- it took everything I had to try to hold him and comfort him, especially when we went to the emergency room to get it looked at. I remember telling him that if I could make it go away I would. I think that may have helped a little, though we both knew that I couldn't.
So imagine how my heart ached and broke when I looked up into my attic and saw this same son hanging from a rope tied around his neck. After climbing up there (in a matter of seconds) and feeling that same pity as always I asked him, "Boy! What have you done?" I held him and cried for what seemed like an eternity until we cut him down and laid him to rest in the insulation. But then there came a peace that I can't explain as I began to realize he wasn't hurting anymore from the pain he had been feeling inside. He himself had found a way to make that go away. And just like the toothache, I wished there was something I could have done to make it all better, but we both knew that I couldn't. Especially not this time. Somehow I feel like I did take at least some of his pain, and not just because of my grief and sorrow, but rather in beginning to understand just how much he was really hurting inside. And I still find myself trying to do something about it...
As they all grew to crawl, walk, talk, and eventually run my heart grew more tender toward them when they stumbled. Once my daughter fell trying to run to me. My oldest son got his hand caught in an exercise bike and cried for me until I got home. My second son almost blew his hand off with a smoke bomb. As they became older there were roller blades, scooters, and bikes and the boys played football and, of course, the bumps and bruises grew worse. You see, they knew that I was always the one who removed the splinters, glass fragments, and ticks and whatever else I could do to 'make it better.' I think it was probably more for ME to feel better because my heart would ache knowing that they had hurt themselves in any way. Once my second son had a toothache that hurt so bad it brought him to tears and because he was bigger than I -and a little stronger- it took everything I had to try to hold him and comfort him, especially when we went to the emergency room to get it looked at. I remember telling him that if I could make it go away I would. I think that may have helped a little, though we both knew that I couldn't.
So imagine how my heart ached and broke when I looked up into my attic and saw this same son hanging from a rope tied around his neck. After climbing up there (in a matter of seconds) and feeling that same pity as always I asked him, "Boy! What have you done?" I held him and cried for what seemed like an eternity until we cut him down and laid him to rest in the insulation. But then there came a peace that I can't explain as I began to realize he wasn't hurting anymore from the pain he had been feeling inside. He himself had found a way to make that go away. And just like the toothache, I wished there was something I could have done to make it all better, but we both knew that I couldn't. Especially not this time. Somehow I feel like I did take at least some of his pain, and not just because of my grief and sorrow, but rather in beginning to understand just how much he was really hurting inside. And I still find myself trying to do something about it...
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
losing more than a son
This is probably more my own personal experience than my opinion, although I do believe that any death of any loved one in any way has lots of losses attached to it. However, when the death is suicide, it seems to cut deeper and much wider. I am referring mostly to relationships. From family to friends (even enemies) and everything in between. For me, grieving would be a lot easier and would probably have ended by now had it only been over the loss of my son. I must admit, I was dealt a blow above and below the belt that I just didn't see coming! Even if someone had warned me, I don't think that would have lessened the blow much.
I have found myself concluding within myself that I am not the one who committed suicide. Neither am I the one who caused my son to commit suicide. Yet people who were close to me have made me feel as though I have a terminal disease that is contagious or that I am now wearing somewhat of a 'scarlet letter' on my breast to keep them away, lest they too should become affected/infected by it. Yet in the center of that crowd of onlookers and passers-by I am here with Jesus as He writes in the sand and turns my would-be accusers away one by one.
I am learning - the hard way - that it really doesn't have anything to do with me or my son, but rather a struggle within themselves to deal with the shocking and sudden reality that suicide brings like no other. To ask questions that can't be answered yet. And to ignore the very obvious which can't be ignored. Not realizing that I struggle with all of these but much more frequently. And until we face these very difficult and painful issues head-on, we will never experience the freedom and peace that really does transcend our understanding.
Only then, I believe, can we truly be there for those survivors of suicide who really need someone to just...be there.
There is a bright side to all of this. It seems that through the absence of these people, many others have come along to fill their places and I have been blessed to meet some really warm and caring people who don't seem the least bit turned off by my son's death, but almost attracted to it and not afraid to show it. This too has taught me a lot about my Savior and my God and the heart they must have for people who are suffering. Jesus said in Matthew 5:4 that those who mourn are blessed, for they shall be comforted. If you have somehow found yourself in my shoes, then I encourage you to find comfort in Him and His words.
I have found myself concluding within myself that I am not the one who committed suicide. Neither am I the one who caused my son to commit suicide. Yet people who were close to me have made me feel as though I have a terminal disease that is contagious or that I am now wearing somewhat of a 'scarlet letter' on my breast to keep them away, lest they too should become affected/infected by it. Yet in the center of that crowd of onlookers and passers-by I am here with Jesus as He writes in the sand and turns my would-be accusers away one by one.
I am learning - the hard way - that it really doesn't have anything to do with me or my son, but rather a struggle within themselves to deal with the shocking and sudden reality that suicide brings like no other. To ask questions that can't be answered yet. And to ignore the very obvious which can't be ignored. Not realizing that I struggle with all of these but much more frequently. And until we face these very difficult and painful issues head-on, we will never experience the freedom and peace that really does transcend our understanding.
Only then, I believe, can we truly be there for those survivors of suicide who really need someone to just...be there.
There is a bright side to all of this. It seems that through the absence of these people, many others have come along to fill their places and I have been blessed to meet some really warm and caring people who don't seem the least bit turned off by my son's death, but almost attracted to it and not afraid to show it. This too has taught me a lot about my Savior and my God and the heart they must have for people who are suffering. Jesus said in Matthew 5:4 that those who mourn are blessed, for they shall be comforted. If you have somehow found yourself in my shoes, then I encourage you to find comfort in Him and His words.
Monday, August 8, 2011
...and another one gone
Yes, another teenager has committed suicide. Well, I know there have been several but I was closely connected to this one. He was the same age as my son, 17, and he also hung himself at home just like my son. But when they told me that he broke his neck in the process, that really got me to thinking about the pain this young man must have been experiencing on the inside to inflict so much pain on the outside. And what a painful way physically to rid oneself of pain inwardly! I have heard that said about body-piercings and cutting and there must be a lot of truth to that.
But I was also thinking about other outward acts of pain like rape, assault, child abuse, and even murder. Perhaps these all originate from a similar place of pain inside a person that they may be trying to find relief from, but it just doesn't work. Suicide may seem to be an effective means to end the inner pain for those who know no other way, but ironically, it only creates more outward pain for all the surviving loved ones and friends. But there is, I believe, another much more effective Way to deal with the inner pain and His name is Jesus. He will either heal it, remove it, or walk one through it without causing pain to anyone else. This is how I am 'handling' the pain that was caused by my son's suicide and I highly recommend him to everyone out there who may be experiencing something similar or just as painful.
But I was also thinking about other outward acts of pain like rape, assault, child abuse, and even murder. Perhaps these all originate from a similar place of pain inside a person that they may be trying to find relief from, but it just doesn't work. Suicide may seem to be an effective means to end the inner pain for those who know no other way, but ironically, it only creates more outward pain for all the surviving loved ones and friends. But there is, I believe, another much more effective Way to deal with the inner pain and His name is Jesus. He will either heal it, remove it, or walk one through it without causing pain to anyone else. This is how I am 'handling' the pain that was caused by my son's suicide and I highly recommend him to everyone out there who may be experiencing something similar or just as painful.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The journey continues...
So now this tragedy seems to be leading me to Israel of all places and I am feeling somewhat thankful to Christopher for this. Jesus said that except see grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies it abides alone, but it yields a harvest. And I believe I am beginning to get a new understanding of this in this season of my life. But it doesn't come without a price and it ain't cheap. Is it worth it though? From God's viewpoint it is. For who understands this better than He?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Some things never go away...
I was thinking about this today and started reading about Jesus and His prayer in the garden of Gethsemane. He prayed earnestly for 'this cup to pass' but wound up surrendering to the unchangeable will of the Father.
This, I believe is why He was able to tell Paul, after he pleaded with Him three times that His grace was sufficient because His strength is made as perfect in weakness. I also believe this is what He told me while I was praying about the pain that I have been feeling lately. I too have to surrender and submit myself to the 'will' (good pleasure) of the Father, knowing that though my spirit is willing, my flesh is powerless and cannot handle what is inevitable and unchangeable. AND then believe the unchangeable truth that His grace really is sufficient so that I can receive it and allow it to be manifested in me and thus have His strength (Philippians 4:13) made perfect in my weakness.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
life is all about choices
Especially the choice to live. In Deuteronomy 30:19, God admonishes His people to "choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live..." Life is all about choices and we are constantly faced with them. From what we eat for breakfast to where we choose to reside. But the choice to live is more than just remaining alive physically, it also has to do with deciding to be alive in every way, spirit, soul, and body. Yes, we are all going to die of something, as it is appointed unto man once to die (Hebrews (9:27), but what we do to expedite that fact can make all the difference. When we decide to take our own life, we also take life away from all of those around us and replace it with pain and scars that can last a lifetime.
At some point my son began to believe that it was better to be dead than to be alive. James 1:15 talks about a progression that I think supports my claim. He said that we are drawn away by our lusts or desires and then enticed. It then becomes sin or transgression and eventually death. I believe the more we choose to believe anything, eventually that is what we will become or have manifested outwardly in our lives. Romans 10 says that we believe with the heart and then confession or agreement is made or formed according to that belief - whatever it is. To believe that one is already dead only stands to reason that one will die, even while living.
I believe that we have to do whatever it takes with all our heart, soul, and mind to make sure that we are believing the truth.
One way to do this is what Jesus spoke of in Mark 4:24, when he said to take heed what we hear. There are many different voices and influences that we can choose to listen to, or not, that will help us determine what we believe and what will be carried out in our lives. Which is exactly why we should be very careful in choosing the ones we allow to enter in and influence what we believe. If we truly believe that life is worth living, then we will truly live and encourage others to do the same.
Personally, I didn't realize how much I wasn't really living all these years until my son died. That is one good thing that has come to me from all of this - choosing to really live in every way. And I encourage everyone who reads this to do the same.
At some point my son began to believe that it was better to be dead than to be alive. James 1:15 talks about a progression that I think supports my claim. He said that we are drawn away by our lusts or desires and then enticed. It then becomes sin or transgression and eventually death. I believe the more we choose to believe anything, eventually that is what we will become or have manifested outwardly in our lives. Romans 10 says that we believe with the heart and then confession or agreement is made or formed according to that belief - whatever it is. To believe that one is already dead only stands to reason that one will die, even while living.
I believe that we have to do whatever it takes with all our heart, soul, and mind to make sure that we are believing the truth.
One way to do this is what Jesus spoke of in Mark 4:24, when he said to take heed what we hear. There are many different voices and influences that we can choose to listen to, or not, that will help us determine what we believe and what will be carried out in our lives. Which is exactly why we should be very careful in choosing the ones we allow to enter in and influence what we believe. If we truly believe that life is worth living, then we will truly live and encourage others to do the same.
Personally, I didn't realize how much I wasn't really living all these years until my son died. That is one good thing that has come to me from all of this - choosing to really live in every way. And I encourage everyone who reads this to do the same.
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