What is Going On???

I'm sure that I am not the only one asking that question. Neither am I trying to answer that question, as so many others seem to be doing. Truth is, I don't know what is going on. And I would dare to assume that any one else does either. At least, no one that is human. All we really know is what's happening in our own neck of the woods - however big or small that may be.

Just a few months ago, I (finally?) came to the realization that God is in control. And it seems that I have not been able to move past that point of revelation. Especially when I find myself feeling bad about what is and is not happening in my personal life, marriage, family, job, finances, home, etc, etc, etc (!), and then I receive an email from someone I know who lives in Israel. (Love or hate them, we all know what is happening over there). But when I compare my situation to theirs and so many others who are facing more difficulties then I will ever know, my focus is shifted from myself as well as my prayers.

Which brings me to my next point. Because what I DO know is that there is a much bigger picture than you and I or any human alive on this planet can wrap our finite brains around. Which is what causes me to believe that there must be and is Someone who DOES know what is going, can wrap His brain around it (and probably His pinky finger), and is capable of doing something about all of it. And He reserves the right to let us in -or not- on how little or much He wants to. That's why we need to be looking to and listening to Him as much as we possibly can. If He knows the end from the beginning, which He does, then He certainly knows where we all are right now and how we all fit into 'the bigger picture' which He alone can see.

I realize that many will argue, just as many already have since ages past, the belief that God is sovereign. And that's fine with me. But I think -hence, the name of my blog- that one who chooses to be their own god (self-proclaimed, that is) is very, very limited in their realm of authority and power, and their knowledge of world-wide events and how those events directly affect their fellow man ultimately. I cannot in good faith trust or follow someone who is that powerless, myself included. Nor can I submit the keeping of my life, in it's totality, to a higher power that/who offers me no grace, mercy, love, compassion, understanding, wisdom, strength, joy, peace or hope. And not just for myself, but also for the good of my fellow man. 

I don't know what's going on...not even in my own little neck of the woods! But my father once told me that a wise man doesn't know all the answers, but he knows where to find them. For me, that would be the Source of all wisdom, understanding, knowledge, power, and might. And "there is no wisdom, nor understanding, nor counsel against the Lord." (Proverbs 21:30). And this He declared in Jeremiah 9:23-24 "...Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches: but let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth [M]me, that I am the Lord which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight, saith the Lord." 

But the laborers are YOU...

There are dreams and aspirations in my heart that I keep suppressed (no one is suppressing them BUT me - I'm learning that one the hard way, as usual) along with thoughts of kindness, gestures, and good deeds toward others. Not to mention the gifts, skills, and talents that I keep buried in the sand, safely kept in tact until the shrewd Taskmaster returns on the day of reckoning and rewards me by calling me a 'wicked and slothful servant' - ouch! 

I am beginning to believe that the day of reckoning comes for each of us more than just once at the end of our lives. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit have all come to me at various times in my life to take a surprise inventory of my life and found me wanting (sounds better than lacking, doesn't it?). And their intent has not been to make me feel like a wicked and slothful servant at all (sounds a lot worse than condemned, right?), but rather to encourage me to be being 'about my Father's business.' 

Just this week, I listened and watched as leaves fell to the ground and realized just how much I love even the very smells of the fall season! At the same time, I heard very softly and several times in my spirit, "the harvest is passed, the summer is ended, and we are not saved." (Jeremiah 8:20) I began to feel one of those 'reckonings' coming on, and I was forced to ask myself, "What have I done?" and "What am I doing?" Not that it was too late, but that it might be - soon (like hearing the end from the beginning). It was a gentle but stern warning to get busy with what I perceive God to be telling and leading me to do so as to avoid future regrets of missed opportunities.

Just imagine, if you will, tilling and cultivating soil (a lot of work!), planting and watering seeds, watching them grow into mature plants, and then missing the harvest. Why? Because we got tired of waiting? Distracted? Offended? Deceived? Lazy?(sounds better than wicked and slothful, don't it?) Whatever the reason, missing harvest would be bad enough. But to realize that we are also still not saved would be a double whammy. That is like not being called to the dinner table at the end of the day because you didn't finish your chores!

September 23, 2010 was another day of reckoning for me, the day my son ended his life. Thank God that he was saved, despite opposing views concerning the eternal fate of those who commit suicide (One can live to a 'ripe old age' - pun intended - and still not be saved in the end). But two years later I am again being asked, in a sense, to give an account for my life and my actions. Am I still not saved? Mature in Christ? Perfected in love? Do I still not get it? That there is a really big harvest, white and ripe, awaiting me right outside my front and/or back door...maybe even closer?

Lord of the harvest, I really do want to hear you say to me, 'Well done, good and faithful servant...enter into the joy of your Lord!' But I realize that I won't hear that if I continue to withhold from You the very things that You placed in me to accomplish the good works that You have already prepared for me to walk in. Please help me to uncover what I have kept hidden away from You and others and to become the laborer that You have called me to be for this generation. Amen

Follow Me...

“…and I will make you fishers of men.” Jesus said to His disciples in Matthew 4. But in Mark 1 He said it a little differently, “Come after me…” which I like a lot better because it actually implies following. While in Jerusalem I saw a t-shirt that said it this way, “Then Yeshua said to them, follow Me and I will make you become fishers of men.” That became real to me in that moment for two reasons. One, it was as though Jesus Himself was speaking directly to me (by His Hebrew name). And two, it was spoken as a command in a manner I had never heard before…I will make you become (or as in accordance with Hebrew thinking, you will be becoming.) Not only was this very direct for me, but it was also very comforting because I realized in that statement that HE would do the making and not I. For years I have been trying to ‘follow Him’ and ‘become,’ but now all I needed to do was follow, or come after Him. In Mark 1, the Greek carries with it an interjection, “Come here! Now!,” and then come after or get behind Me, follow in My steps, go where I go.

I also got some hands on training in this very thing while in Jerusalem. We had a tour guide, a Levite who lived in the city, leading our group of about 24 people. Not only did he live in Jerusalem, but he had led many tour groups around the city many times and therefore knew his way through the narrow ‘streets’. At times it became difficult to keep up with him because there were so many people constantly moving and stopping and yelling and trying to sell and buy things. The best thing for me to do was to follow to the person in our group who was ahead of me, provided they didn’t stop to buy something. At that point, it became a matter of judgment because I was faced with waiting on that person or going on without them hoping they would eventually catch up. But it also became a matter of faith and trust because I couldn’t always see the tour guide. I literally had to keep moving and believe that I was heading in the right direction, which became even more difficult when I arrived at a junction in the road. At that point I had to either try to find someone in the group, the guide, or simply(?) walk by faith and pray that I was going to choose the right way! Believe it or not, by doing these things I never got lost (at least, while with the tour group), and I also learned something very interesting and spiritually life-changing.

Jesus says to follow Him and then goes on ahead. And He expects us to do just that – follow Him. And just like our tour guide, He doesn’t always stop to make sure that we are behind Him. He is counting on us to keep following and to keep up as best we can. But He doesn’t expect us to do this on our own either, so He gives us faith and the leading of the Holy Spirit to help us on the journey through the hustle and bustle of the ‘narrow streets’ of life. It is His responsibility to get me to where He has called me to be. Thus making Him 'the Way, Truth, and Life.' My new understannding of following Jesus: by faith in Him and trusting what He says, and the leadership of the Spirit even though I have no idea where I am going.

A new sound...

I have understood for a while now that the Hebrew way of thinking is like rowing a boat backwards into the future, which is similar to 'hind-sight being 20/20.' About 15 years ago, God spoke to me about hearing a new sound (musically, that is) and I remember wrestling with that for quite some time as I tried to figure out what exactly that meant. He also said that, at that time, I had already been hearing it, which only made it more difficult for me to process. I had been previously discovering and rediscovering various genres of music and thought that might be what He was referring to. So, for the next several years I tried to walk in -and walk out- what I believed He was speaking to me which didn't seem to be betting me any closer to clarity.

I moved to Franklin, Tennessee in 2000 and participated in every worship team that I came across, still trying to discover, understand, and even apply this 'new sound' I was supposedly hearing. Finally, after almost giving up on lots of things including church, I found myself joined to a local church where I quickly became involved with the worship team and ultimately, the worship leader. In this new-found position, I was able to do things musically that I had always wanted to do and some others that I had never thought possible. I believed that I had finally arrived at the fulfillment of that prophetic word after all those years. After sometime I became a little frustrated and somewhat discouraged when it seemed that no one else was hearing or embracing this new sound that I was working so diligently to produce and share and wanted to quit. God would not allow it but He kept admonishing me to keep at it. Each song each week brought more revelation and took me to new levels and deeper depths of praise and worship that I had not known in all my years of worship-leading as I followed the sound that I was hearing within my heart and spirit.

Then on September 23, 2010 tragedy struck when my teenaged son committed suicide. The sound (and my world) came to an abrupt stop...at least for a while. Not only was there no sound from within or without, it was as though I had never heard it. Ever. 

So why am I writing about this now? The other day I sat and listened -like for the first time- to a few songs that I included in some of my worship sessions that I hadn't listened to since that time. The lyrics spoke about chains of death being broken, clouds of darkness being dispelled, captives being free in this year of Jubilee, and victory in the camp. All because of the shout of El Shaddai! "Can you hear it?" is how that song actually started and then it hit me...the new sound. And yes, I had been hearing it all along! But suddenly I realized why. Almighty God, by the power of the Holy Spirit, had spoken a word into my spirit many years ago that led me to a time and a place in which that word would fully manifest in my life at a time when I couldn't have need it more because He knew what was coming down the road for me. And once that happened, I no longer heard. In fact, I didn't even want to hear it. It was as if that word -and that sound- had run it's course in my life and the mission was accomplished. In other words, God's word to me did not return to Him VOID.

I also believe that the sound was gone for another reason. The next year I found myself in Israel, of all places. And had I gone there with a sound and a song in my heart, my trip would have been completely different. But because I was empty, I went there to receive only. It wasn't until after we had visited the empty tomb, had communion, and then entered into a time of worship that someone received a word from the Lord that it was time for me to sing. As I opened my mouth to sing, I began to hear the sound once more and it was new all over again...

When God begins to pick up the pieces...

"When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.'
The Lord has done great hings for us, and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him." (Psalm 126)

I don't know at exactly what point I began to feel this turning in my spirit concerning my grief over the death of my son (I must use that word 'death' because that keeps it real for me). Maybe it was when God brought me into the midst of a group of believers who were not afraid to weep and mourn with me. I feel as though I had been doing enough of that on my own and now it was time to have some real help. There is a Bulgarian proverb that says joy shared is doubled, while sorrow that is shared is diminished. Or maybe it was the last time I visited my son's grave (another reality for me) and though I was only there briefly, it was the first time I did not cry. I learned in Israel that people there visit graves to celebrate the lives of those they have lost. From that time I began to look forward to the day that I would be able to do that - with real joy.

I thought I understood the word 'restoration' years ago when I used to sing about it, and maybe I did but only to a certain degree. Especially when I would think about the joy of my salvation and the new life I had obtained in Christ. But the restoration that I am coming to understand now is much different and far greater than that. In fact, it is even a little scary because it is coming to me as the result of my having sown much tears and weeping. David also said in Psalm 30 that weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. I don't think I realized how much sorrow and darkness I had experienced until I started to see the light of day and joy began to resurface on the horizon. Although it is just starting, I already feel like I'm dreaming and afraid to wake up if I am. Or like I'm waking up from what I thought or hoped was only a dream. A Christian songwriter once wrote: "...but on the inside things can happen, in a war we'll never see there will come a victory." (Jesus spoke of the kingdom of God in a similar manner)

But the Negev is a very dry place...until the rains come and cause the streams to flow through it (which reminds me of another song, "For My Growing," by Mylon LeFevre). Can the Lord produce rivers in the desert? Yes, He can. And I am beginning to understand that in my sorrow I have been sowing seeds and watering them at the same time with my tears. And the master Gardener and Husbandman has been faithfully watching over them and is now giving the increase as only He can do. Not only that, but I also believe that He has been strengthening me -in my weakness- to be able to carry the sheaves that will be gleaned from the coming harvest. Sheaves that will provide 'seed' to others who may be sowing their own tears and weeping...

broken vessels

You know how you start to decorate for Christmas and you are rummaging through boxes, bags, and cartons looking for all the decorations that you know should be there and you stumble upon a few items that you forgot were there? Usually, they are ornaments that have been used many times over the years that you just can't seem to throw away, even though they are a bit out-dated because they seem to add that special 'touch' to the holiday. And you find that your rummaging has taken you down memory lane where you pause a moment as you hold these very special ornaments in your hand, recalling the origin and sentiment of each one. Oftentimes it is just a few out of the entire assortment of decorations that have this unique quality about them. Well, just about the time that you decide to 'reuse' them you realize that they have become cracked, broken, damaged slightly, but not quite enough to be thrown away...mostly because of how much you value them.

Tonight, I realized that this is now my family and we are those ornaments. Christopher's death has done this to us. This Christmas I find myself rummaging through memory after memory trying to find useful things to decorate with that will "help to make the season bright." I voiced some of these thoughts in a prayer on my way to bed and asked God to fix us and was interrupted with the thought 'strengthen that which remains.' I also felt that His response - if there was one - was not necessarily to 'fix' but to use us. Because just like the ornaments, each one of us holds sentimental value to Him even in this damaged condition and, ironically, that is what will add a very unique and timeless touch to His seasonal decorating.

This is probably what the apostle Paul meant when he said that we posses this treasure (the gospel) in earthen vessels. God knows that we are just fragile clay, but also that we are very useful and necessary to Him for carrying and declaring this good news to a broken world even if we ourselves are broken. And He is also a master Craftsman when it comes to 'restoring' broken things to their original or mint (unmarred, as if fresh from a place where something is manufactured) condition. In fact, that's why He sent Jesus, to seek and to save that which was lost and to redeem us back to Himself. And in grand style, along with angelic hosts announcing, 'peace on earth and good will to men' during a time when there was none, and that is still His mission today. THIS is the true meaning of Christmas that should never be covered over with beautiful decorations or packed away in storage bins and forgotten until next year.

God knows...

...but we don't. It's getting to be just that simple for me.

Tonight I looked at a photo of my family from around the time we adopted our son, Christopher. He was about six months old at the time, our oldest son was almost two years old, and my wife and I never looked better. We were such a happy and beautiful family that I began telling people that we were 'the family that God built' because I knew He was the only One who could create such a family. And we were such a family.

We went on to become the poster family for the adoption agency that we went through to adopt our sons. From there, we spoke at churches and other functions in an effort to inspire other African-American families to do what we had done. We even participated in a pro-life rally in Montgomery, Alabama where I had the opportunity to sing and speak on the steps of the Capitol building! Our future was definitely bright and very promising, as I believed every word of Jeremiah 29:11. Once when our boys were older and we were expecting (finally!) our daughter, we received a prophetic word from the Lord that our entire family would be on stage ministering 'family.' 

We also went on to experience our share of raising teenagers, and the challenges therein, along with our share of family dysfunction and malfunction. We seemed to be becoming a typical family, while trying to live godly as much as we knew how to. High school, football games, and dating made their way into our lives as well, along with behavioral issues, personality developments and conflicts, and bad habits, like smoking and sneaking out of the house. But it wasn't all bad. There was a lot to laugh about, which we did - a lot. And there is a lot to be proud of, which I am.

But who knew of the tragedy lurking around the corner waiting to strike our family? We certainly didn't. God did. And the only thing He told us, prophetically, was that there was a spirit of death in our home that we took authority over. Or did we? Could we? Looking back, we did everything we knew to do at that time, especially me being the strong man that Jesus spoke about in Matthew 12. I addressed the devil and my son on several occasions about their futures according to the scriptures. But who knew? God did. From the time we first laid eyes on him as a three month-old baby and my wife later had a 'burden' that we should adopt him.

If it is true that God knows the end from the beginning, and then in Ecclesiastes declares that the end of a thing is better than its beginning, then God must know something that we don't. And I think He chooses not to reveal it to us mostly because He knows that we will not believe and follow His plan or we will do like Peter and try to thwart it. How many times have we taken Him aside and rebuked Him because we didn't like what He said and thought it was the devil? Only to find, again like Peter, that WE get rebuked for playing the devil's advocate?  A Christian songwriter once wrote,

"God is God and I am not.
I can only see a part of the picture He's painting.
God is God and I am man.
So I'll never understand it all, for only God is God."

This answers everything in our lives that we can't explain and don't understand. God alone reserves all the rights and privileges to be, do, and know. We, on the other hand, reserve the right and privilege to trust Him, knowing that He knows what we don't. Jeremiah says it best in chapter 9:24, "...but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight." I find great comfort, peace, and strength as I allow myself to accept and rest in this truth.