Follow Me...

“…and I will make you fishers of men.” Jesus said to His disciples in Matthew 4. But in Mark 1 He said it a little differently, “Come after me…” which I like a lot better because it actually implies following. While in Jerusalem I saw a t-shirt that said it this way, “Then Yeshua said to them, follow Me and I will make you become fishers of men.” That became real to me in that moment for two reasons. One, it was as though Jesus Himself was speaking directly to me (by His Hebrew name). And two, it was spoken as a command in a manner I had never heard before…I will make you become (or as in accordance with Hebrew thinking, you will be becoming.) Not only was this very direct for me, but it was also very comforting because I realized in that statement that HE would do the making and not I. For years I have been trying to ‘follow Him’ and ‘become,’ but now all I needed to do was follow, or come after Him. In Mark 1, the Greek carries with it an interjection, “Come here! Now!,” and then come after or get behind Me, follow in My steps, go where I go.

I also got some hands on training in this very thing while in Jerusalem. We had a tour guide, a Levite who lived in the city, leading our group of about 24 people. Not only did he live in Jerusalem, but he had led many tour groups around the city many times and therefore knew his way through the narrow ‘streets’. At times it became difficult to keep up with him because there were so many people constantly moving and stopping and yelling and trying to sell and buy things. The best thing for me to do was to follow to the person in our group who was ahead of me, provided they didn’t stop to buy something. At that point, it became a matter of judgment because I was faced with waiting on that person or going on without them hoping they would eventually catch up. But it also became a matter of faith and trust because I couldn’t always see the tour guide. I literally had to keep moving and believe that I was heading in the right direction, which became even more difficult when I arrived at a junction in the road. At that point I had to either try to find someone in the group, the guide, or simply(?) walk by faith and pray that I was going to choose the right way! Believe it or not, by doing these things I never got lost (at least, while with the tour group), and I also learned something very interesting and spiritually life-changing.

Jesus says to follow Him and then goes on ahead. And He expects us to do just that – follow Him. And just like our tour guide, He doesn’t always stop to make sure that we are behind Him. He is counting on us to keep following and to keep up as best we can. But He doesn’t expect us to do this on our own either, so He gives us faith and the leading of the Holy Spirit to help us on the journey through the hustle and bustle of the ‘narrow streets’ of life. It is His responsibility to get me to where He has called me to be. Thus making Him 'the Way, Truth, and Life.' My new understannding of following Jesus: by faith in Him and trusting what He says, and the leadership of the Spirit even though I have no idea where I am going.

A new sound...

I have understood for a while now that the Hebrew way of thinking is like rowing a boat backwards into the future, which is similar to 'hind-sight being 20/20.' About 15 years ago, God spoke to me about hearing a new sound (musically, that is) and I remember wrestling with that for quite some time as I tried to figure out what exactly that meant. He also said that, at that time, I had already been hearing it, which only made it more difficult for me to process. I had been previously discovering and rediscovering various genres of music and thought that might be what He was referring to. So, for the next several years I tried to walk in -and walk out- what I believed He was speaking to me which didn't seem to be betting me any closer to clarity.

I moved to Franklin, Tennessee in 2000 and participated in every worship team that I came across, still trying to discover, understand, and even apply this 'new sound' I was supposedly hearing. Finally, after almost giving up on lots of things including church, I found myself joined to a local church where I quickly became involved with the worship team and ultimately, the worship leader. In this new-found position, I was able to do things musically that I had always wanted to do and some others that I had never thought possible. I believed that I had finally arrived at the fulfillment of that prophetic word after all those years. After sometime I became a little frustrated and somewhat discouraged when it seemed that no one else was hearing or embracing this new sound that I was working so diligently to produce and share and wanted to quit. God would not allow it but He kept admonishing me to keep at it. Each song each week brought more revelation and took me to new levels and deeper depths of praise and worship that I had not known in all my years of worship-leading as I followed the sound that I was hearing within my heart and spirit.

Then on September 23, 2010 tragedy struck when my teenaged son committed suicide. The sound (and my world) came to an abrupt stop...at least for a while. Not only was there no sound from within or without, it was as though I had never heard it. Ever. 

So why am I writing about this now? The other day I sat and listened -like for the first time- to a few songs that I included in some of my worship sessions that I hadn't listened to since that time. The lyrics spoke about chains of death being broken, clouds of darkness being dispelled, captives being free in this year of Jubilee, and victory in the camp. All because of the shout of El Shaddai! "Can you hear it?" is how that song actually started and then it hit me...the new sound. And yes, I had been hearing it all along! But suddenly I realized why. Almighty God, by the power of the Holy Spirit, had spoken a word into my spirit many years ago that led me to a time and a place in which that word would fully manifest in my life at a time when I couldn't have need it more because He knew what was coming down the road for me. And once that happened, I no longer heard. In fact, I didn't even want to hear it. It was as if that word -and that sound- had run it's course in my life and the mission was accomplished. In other words, God's word to me did not return to Him VOID.

I also believe that the sound was gone for another reason. The next year I found myself in Israel, of all places. And had I gone there with a sound and a song in my heart, my trip would have been completely different. But because I was empty, I went there to receive only. It wasn't until after we had visited the empty tomb, had communion, and then entered into a time of worship that someone received a word from the Lord that it was time for me to sing. As I opened my mouth to sing, I began to hear the sound once more and it was new all over again...

When God begins to pick up the pieces...

"When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.'
The Lord has done great hings for us, and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him." (Psalm 126)

I don't know at exactly what point I began to feel this turning in my spirit concerning my grief over the death of my son (I must use that word 'death' because that keeps it real for me). Maybe it was when God brought me into the midst of a group of believers who were not afraid to weep and mourn with me. I feel as though I had been doing enough of that on my own and now it was time to have some real help. There is a Bulgarian proverb that says joy shared is doubled, while sorrow that is shared is diminished. Or maybe it was the last time I visited my son's grave (another reality for me) and though I was only there briefly, it was the first time I did not cry. I learned in Israel that people there visit graves to celebrate the lives of those they have lost. From that time I began to look forward to the day that I would be able to do that - with real joy.

I thought I understood the word 'restoration' years ago when I used to sing about it, and maybe I did but only to a certain degree. Especially when I would think about the joy of my salvation and the new life I had obtained in Christ. But the restoration that I am coming to understand now is much different and far greater than that. In fact, it is even a little scary because it is coming to me as the result of my having sown much tears and weeping. David also said in Psalm 30 that weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. I don't think I realized how much sorrow and darkness I had experienced until I started to see the light of day and joy began to resurface on the horizon. Although it is just starting, I already feel like I'm dreaming and afraid to wake up if I am. Or like I'm waking up from what I thought or hoped was only a dream. A Christian songwriter once wrote: "...but on the inside things can happen, in a war we'll never see there will come a victory." (Jesus spoke of the kingdom of God in a similar manner)

But the Negev is a very dry place...until the rains come and cause the streams to flow through it (which reminds me of another song, "For My Growing," by Mylon LeFevre). Can the Lord produce rivers in the desert? Yes, He can. And I am beginning to understand that in my sorrow I have been sowing seeds and watering them at the same time with my tears. And the master Gardener and Husbandman has been faithfully watching over them and is now giving the increase as only He can do. Not only that, but I also believe that He has been strengthening me -in my weakness- to be able to carry the sheaves that will be gleaned from the coming harvest. Sheaves that will provide 'seed' to others who may be sowing their own tears and weeping...

broken vessels

You know how you start to decorate for Christmas and you are rummaging through boxes, bags, and cartons looking for all the decorations that you know should be there and you stumble upon a few items that you forgot were there? Usually, they are ornaments that have been used many times over the years that you just can't seem to throw away, even though they are a bit out-dated because they seem to add that special 'touch' to the holiday. And you find that your rummaging has taken you down memory lane where you pause a moment as you hold these very special ornaments in your hand, recalling the origin and sentiment of each one. Oftentimes it is just a few out of the entire assortment of decorations that have this unique quality about them. Well, just about the time that you decide to 'reuse' them you realize that they have become cracked, broken, damaged slightly, but not quite enough to be thrown away...mostly because of how much you value them.

Tonight, I realized that this is now my family and we are those ornaments. Christopher's death has done this to us. This Christmas I find myself rummaging through memory after memory trying to find useful things to decorate with that will "help to make the season bright." I voiced some of these thoughts in a prayer on my way to bed and asked God to fix us and was interrupted with the thought 'strengthen that which remains.' I also felt that His response - if there was one - was not necessarily to 'fix' but to use us. Because just like the ornaments, each one of us holds sentimental value to Him even in this damaged condition and, ironically, that is what will add a very unique and timeless touch to His seasonal decorating.

This is probably what the apostle Paul meant when he said that we posses this treasure (the gospel) in earthen vessels. God knows that we are just fragile clay, but also that we are very useful and necessary to Him for carrying and declaring this good news to a broken world even if we ourselves are broken. And He is also a master Craftsman when it comes to 'restoring' broken things to their original or mint (unmarred, as if fresh from a place where something is manufactured) condition. In fact, that's why He sent Jesus, to seek and to save that which was lost and to redeem us back to Himself. And in grand style, along with angelic hosts announcing, 'peace on earth and good will to men' during a time when there was none, and that is still His mission today. THIS is the true meaning of Christmas that should never be covered over with beautiful decorations or packed away in storage bins and forgotten until next year.

God knows...

...but we don't. It's getting to be just that simple for me.

Tonight I looked at a photo of my family from around the time we adopted our son, Christopher. He was about six months old at the time, our oldest son was almost two years old, and my wife and I never looked better. We were such a happy and beautiful family that I began telling people that we were 'the family that God built' because I knew He was the only One who could create such a family. And we were such a family.

We went on to become the poster family for the adoption agency that we went through to adopt our sons. From there, we spoke at churches and other functions in an effort to inspire other African-American families to do what we had done. We even participated in a pro-life rally in Montgomery, Alabama where I had the opportunity to sing and speak on the steps of the Capitol building! Our future was definitely bright and very promising, as I believed every word of Jeremiah 29:11. Once when our boys were older and we were expecting (finally!) our daughter, we received a prophetic word from the Lord that our entire family would be on stage ministering 'family.' 

We also went on to experience our share of raising teenagers, and the challenges therein, along with our share of family dysfunction and malfunction. We seemed to be becoming a typical family, while trying to live godly as much as we knew how to. High school, football games, and dating made their way into our lives as well, along with behavioral issues, personality developments and conflicts, and bad habits, like smoking and sneaking out of the house. But it wasn't all bad. There was a lot to laugh about, which we did - a lot. And there is a lot to be proud of, which I am.

But who knew of the tragedy lurking around the corner waiting to strike our family? We certainly didn't. God did. And the only thing He told us, prophetically, was that there was a spirit of death in our home that we took authority over. Or did we? Could we? Looking back, we did everything we knew to do at that time, especially me being the strong man that Jesus spoke about in Matthew 12. I addressed the devil and my son on several occasions about their futures according to the scriptures. But who knew? God did. From the time we first laid eyes on him as a three month-old baby and my wife later had a 'burden' that we should adopt him.

If it is true that God knows the end from the beginning, and then in Ecclesiastes declares that the end of a thing is better than its beginning, then God must know something that we don't. And I think He chooses not to reveal it to us mostly because He knows that we will not believe and follow His plan or we will do like Peter and try to thwart it. How many times have we taken Him aside and rebuked Him because we didn't like what He said and thought it was the devil? Only to find, again like Peter, that WE get rebuked for playing the devil's advocate?  A Christian songwriter once wrote,

"God is God and I am not.
I can only see a part of the picture He's painting.
God is God and I am man.
So I'll never understand it all, for only God is God."

This answers everything in our lives that we can't explain and don't understand. God alone reserves all the rights and privileges to be, do, and know. We, on the other hand, reserve the right and privilege to trust Him, knowing that He knows what we don't. Jeremiah says it best in chapter 9:24, "...but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight." I find great comfort, peace, and strength as I allow myself to accept and rest in this truth.

Faith is...what?

I am mainly asking myself -again- what I really believe and why. Most of the time I am pretty sure of what I believe, I am just not sure why. Other times it seems the other way around. The rest of the time I am not so sure that I am sure of anything...except my faith in a God that I have never seen. This is the new underlying current of my life when all else makes no sense...God.

I am also learning a lot about what faith is not. I have spent many years in faith 'movements' that have helped me to understand certain aspects of it, but nothing like the one that is moving me right now. What do you do when all that you believe gets a curve ball thrown at it? Or is blind-sided? One thing I have learned is that I held a bat with a curve that was bigger than I ever imagined and that I have been paying premiums on a far greater 'assurance' policy than I realized. This is another aspect of faith...it is meant to see me through the difficult times, just as it has seen me through the good times in my life. And it takes the same amount, a grain of mustard seed. Sometimes, like now, I feel that is all I have and that it is enough. The same thing Jesus told Paul when He said, "My grace is sufficient (enough), for My strength is made perfect in weakness..."

I am also learning that faith is trust and true faith is trust in God, whether I am facing the Red Sea, the lions' den, or Golgotha. And aren't we as believers told to take up our cross and follow Him, denying our selves? That takes some serious trust! Especially when we understand the purpose of a cross and it's final destination. Never in all my years as a 'Christian' have I known this kind of trust in Jesus as Savior and Lord, and yet now it seems this is where He has been leading me all along. I have made several commitments to follow Him, the last one being at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, a time when I mean it wholeheartedly and my future seemed more uncertain than ever before.

Now if faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen, then what I am hoping for is changing as I become more aware that it is Christ in me, the hope of glory and my life is hidden with Him in God to be fully revealed at the last day (along with my faith). And without (true) faith (in God), it is IMPOSSIBLE to please Him, because in order to come to Him I must first believe that He is (exists). And if I seek Him diligently, then the reward is finding HIM, which also means to find my true self that has been hidden away with Christ in Him. Right now this diligent search means so much more to me than anything I have ever applied my 'faith' to, including trying to keep my son alive or bring him back from death. Why? Because my life, ultimately, and the saving of many others heavily depend on it.

"Here I am..."

"...at the end, I'm in need of resurrection. 
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead. 
What I've lost to the world, what seems far beyond redemption 
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again."
-Resurrection, Nicole Smith


One year after my son's death, I feel like this is where I am. Lately, there has been this hollow feeling deep inside me that I can't locate or explain. But it's there. So may things I once knew, had, understood, did, and sought after have all somehow made it down into this hollow space and never to return. It's almost as though God has gotten into the control panel of my heart and life and uninstalled some programs and sent them to the recycle bin to be deleted. Now I am waiting for new necessary programs to be installed...upgrades, if you will.


And this is not a bad thing. I am thinking about what Paul said in Philippians about counting all things loss in exchange for the excellency of knowing Jesus, the One for whom I have suffered the loss of these things that I may ultimately win Him (whatmichaelbrownthinks paraphrase). With every loss there is a void that must be filled with something. It is becoming my belief that only Jesus can and wants to effectively fill these voids with Himself, but we have to allow Him to do so. What He fails to mention is the awful pain associated with these losses that are designed to get us to that place of need. If we don't allow Him to fill those empty places they will be filled with something. And without death there can be no resurrection, something He knows full well.


I do not believe that He gives and takes away, as Job stated, but rather that He is the One who replenishes what has been taken away. And in His sovereignty He allows things in our lives to be lost so that there can be a true redemption of those things, and even our very lives. If it is true that He chose us to bear fruit that will remain, then He must know what needs to be pruned from us in order to produce that fruit. We are not the gardener - nor the potter - only the new creation that He is trying to make. And being created in His image and likeness, He is the only One who knows what the end result will look like. (1 John 3:2)