The Kingdom, of God, that is...

...whatever it is, I want it. I have read about it, sang about it, and heard lots of people talk about it, but I am still very unsure as to what it really is or even looks like. After almost 30 years of following (or trying to follow) Jesus' teachings, I do understand most of the prerequisites to finding it as explained by Jesus Himself. But at this point in my life, I still feel like I am chasing the wind on this particular issue (and maybe that is His intention for me as it pertains to seeking). Mind you, I have had some awesome experiences in the spirit and seen some pretty amazing things over the years. But how much of that was actually the kingdom? How much of it was not even close?

I have heard 'the kingdom' defined as God's way of doing things, His rule and reign. And I must admit, sometimes I think I see that and most of the time I don't. But if that definition is true and His way of doing things is not like mine at all, and in fact MUCH higher, then maybe I have seen and experienced more of the kingdom in my lifetime than I realize (because remember, I still don't know for sure what it looks, smells, or tastes like). However, I do believe I have a pretty good idea of what it is not and would almost be willing to challenge anyone who would want to be dogmatic about what it really is.

Even Jesus threw a few curve balls on this issue. Like when He told the scribe in Mark 12 that he was not far from the kingdom because he answered 'discreetly' concerning the greatest commandments. Well, how 'not far' was he? Really? He may have been a lot closer than I am right now based on his understanding of that one concept. And then Jesus said in Mark 11 and Luke 7, referring to John the Baptist, that he who is least in the kingdom is greater than he. There, He makes the kingdom sound like a family or an organization and, if that's true, then I have already found it! Or maybe IT has found me? But then Jesus told His disciples in Matthew 6 and Luke 11 to pray 'Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.' Here it almost sounds like something that is tangible and can be experienced or felt (as mentioned earlier, I have had some of these). 

The gospels are full of references and descriptions of the kingdom and things that is can be compared to which were made mostly, if not entirely, by Jesus. But I have not seen or read in them where He made it really clear that THIS or THAT is the kingdom (in fact, oftentimes it seems to be just the opposite). One reason, I think, is because He knew that we would probably make a doctrine out of it and use it to exalt ourselves above and/or condemn others. In Matthew 25, Jesus talks about the judgment between the sheep (righteous) and the goats (unrighteous). I love that He says even the righteous will ask, and Im paraphrasing, "When did we do righteously?" It appears that the righteous are not aware of their own righteousness or their righteous deeds. Maybe this too is the kingdom. And maybe this is what made the scribe be so close to it. AND maybe this is what makes even someone like you and me quite possibly be greater than John the Baptist.

One thing I know for sure is that, whatever the kingdom is, I want it. And Jesus said in Luke 12:32 that it is the Father's good pleasure to give it to us...

Honestly...

I still feel as if I have no clue as to what You have called me to do or how to do it. My days and weeks are like a "Catch 22" and this particular week feels like, well, at least 3 steps back? I believe that if I draw near to You then You will draw near to me in return. But sometimes it feels like the game I used to play with my boys when they were toddlers. They would crawl after me and I would move away from them. But my intention was to keep them crawling after me. This was all fun (for me, anyway) until one day my youngest son wasn't finding much pleasure in that anymore. He was a little slower than my oldest son and was getting frustrated trying to keep up with me and began to cry. So I stopped. I never played like that with him again. 

But with You, I feel more like my oldest son. Like somehow You know that I will keep 'crawling' after You, if need be, until I catch hold of You. While on the other hand, You are not running ahead so far and fast that I am able to eventually catch up. And so we go. But on occasion, I feel like my youngest son. And I want to just sit here, pout, and cry (in my own little pity party) until You finally stop moving on ahead and come back for me. But I know You won't. Because You know me.One son is no better than the other in my eyes, as it is with You. But You know each one of us so well that we can honestly say You will put no more on us than what we are able to bear. And You expect no more from us than that which we are capable of. 

In my hand, You have placed talents (something entrusted to me). I'm not sure if it is one, two, five, small, medium, or large, but I have been given a certain amount of something that You, O shrewd Master, are expecting a return on WITH INTEREST (ouch)! And You have seen me (many times) kneeling down in the sand -and not about to write something mysterious and powerfully convicting- but with a shovel trying to dig a hole big enough to bury whatever this is I am afraid to put to use because I really don't fear You. But like so many times before, I can feel Your spirit breathing down my back and nudging me forward into something far deeper and greater than I could ever imagine...and I still won't move or stretch forth my hand.
 
So, how do I find out what it is that I am so wickedly and lazily holding on to? Perhaps I should go back to December of 1983, where I first asked You into my heart, began to hear Your voice clearly for the first time, and received my first clue. I'm sure You said some things that I have simply forgotten because I have been hearing so much from so many, myself included. Or the cares of this life, as You said they would, have entered in and choked the life out of those words (which is impossible because the words You speak are spirit and life, but it sure can seem like it sometimes). Yes, all the way back to the moment when I first saw the Light and then turned my eyes and empty hands to You. Chances are, whatever 'talent' You placed there is still there today. Help me, Lord, to give it all away...please.

Some things are better left 'unknown'

“The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words of this law.” This is a quote from Deuteronomy 29:29, which basically tells me that there are some things we just don’t know. Maybe we will know them in heaven when all is revealed, maybe not. I also believe this was the case with the tree in the midst of the garden mentioned in Genesis. Although it was referred to as the ‘tree of the knowledge of good and evil’ and carried with it a ‘disclaimer’ that eating from it would make them like God, knowing good and evil, it did not make them all-knowing (or, omniscient) like God. Neither did it make them omnipotent, omnipresent, or any of the other all-encompassing attributes that God  is. Perhaps it was Adam and Eve’s misunderstanding of the instruction concerning the tree and its true description and potential danger. When it comes to mankind, I believe  God loves us so much that He has placed limitations on how much we can know about Him, from Him, and see or even perceive of Him. In Genesis 3, after putting Adam and Eve out of the garden, He placed an angel with a flaming sword there “to keep the way of the tree of life” (v. 24), thereby protecting it from them and them from it!

And what about the infamous city of Babel in Genesis 11 where the people got a (crazy) notion to build a tower that would reach up to heaven LEST THEY BE SCATTERED ABROAD OVER THE EARTH. How ironic! Even though God responded to this first by acknowledging that their unified efforts would allow them to achieve anything they set out to do, He would only allow them to go so far, thus He thwarted their plans by destroying their ability to communicate effectively with one another. The end result: they were scattered abroad over the earth. Isaiah 14 also talks about the boast of Lucifer and his claim that he will exalt himself and his throne above God’s. And how did that work for him? Verse 15: “Yet you shall be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.” That’s quite a fall. Need I mention Job and his friends and the way God put them all in their little finite places because they were trying to declare things they did not understand, much less know? The old testament is full of examples in which God rebukes humans who were nowhere around when He created the world as we know it, including us.

A Christian songwriter once wrote:
“God is God and I am not.
I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting.
God is God and I am man, so I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God.”

And He has reserved for Himself that right. I also believe that that it is for our highest good and we should be content with that. Yes, I believe that God reveals things to us by His Spirit, but not all things. And yes, I have the mind of Christ, which means that I am capable of thinking like Him and doing what He does, but not to know everything that He knows. Just like God told Adam and Eve that they could FREELY EAT of all the other trees in the garden, Deuteronomy 29 says that the things that ARE revealed belong to us and our children forever. And I believe there is so much that has been revealed that we will spend the rest of our earthly lives striving to obtain just a portion of it! Paul also said in 1 Corinthians 13:9,10 that we see in part and we prophesy in part, BUT when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part will be done away. As children grow into adults, so also do we see and know more clearly as we grow in faith and grace, but we have yet to see and know those secret things

God is God and He is holy. And I don’t think we even know what true holiness is. But He seems to have us living out somewhat of an endless ‘Catch 22′ by telling us to be holy and perfect (mature, complete) as He is holy and perfect, which we obviously are not. So, why does He do us like that? I believe it is because of the absence of and need for eternity, and finding our role in it, that He created within us that is meant to keep us seeking, hungering, thirsting, and longing for Him and His righteousness (we’re not 100% sure what that one is either). I like what Paul goes on to say in 1 Corinthians 13:12, that now we see through a glass darkly, but then face to face. And now we KNOW in part, but then shall we know even as we are known (Brown’s paraphrase). If this is true, then my true self is only known and seen by Him. How can I possibly claim to fully know Him when I don’t even fully know myself because THAT is, on this side of eternity, only known by Him? And when I really think about it, knowing myself the way that an all-knowing God knows me is kinda scary.

What is Going On???

I'm sure that I am not the only one asking that question. Neither am I trying to answer that question, as so many others seem to be doing. Truth is, I don't know what is going on. And I would dare to assume that any one else does either. At least, no one that is human. All we really know is what's happening in our own neck of the woods - however big or small that may be.

Just a few months ago, I (finally?) came to the realization that God is in control. And it seems that I have not been able to move past that point of revelation. Especially when I find myself feeling bad about what is and is not happening in my personal life, marriage, family, job, finances, home, etc, etc, etc (!), and then I receive an email from someone I know who lives in Israel. (Love or hate them, we all know what is happening over there). But when I compare my situation to theirs and so many others who are facing more difficulties then I will ever know, my focus is shifted from myself as well as my prayers.

Which brings me to my next point. Because what I DO know is that there is a much bigger picture than you and I or any human alive on this planet can wrap our finite brains around. Which is what causes me to believe that there must be and is Someone who DOES know what is going, can wrap His brain around it (and probably His pinky finger), and is capable of doing something about all of it. And He reserves the right to let us in -or not- on how little or much He wants to. That's why we need to be looking to and listening to Him as much as we possibly can. If He knows the end from the beginning, which He does, then He certainly knows where we all are right now and how we all fit into 'the bigger picture' which He alone can see.

I realize that many will argue, just as many already have since ages past, the belief that God is sovereign. And that's fine with me. But I think -hence, the name of my blog- that one who chooses to be their own god (self-proclaimed, that is) is very, very limited in their realm of authority and power, and their knowledge of world-wide events and how those events directly affect their fellow man ultimately. I cannot in good faith trust or follow someone who is that powerless, myself included. Nor can I submit the keeping of my life, in it's totality, to a higher power that/who offers me no grace, mercy, love, compassion, understanding, wisdom, strength, joy, peace or hope. And not just for myself, but also for the good of my fellow man. 

I don't know what's going on...not even in my own little neck of the woods! But my father once told me that a wise man doesn't know all the answers, but he knows where to find them. For me, that would be the Source of all wisdom, understanding, knowledge, power, and might. And "there is no wisdom, nor understanding, nor counsel against the Lord." (Proverbs 21:30). And this He declared in Jeremiah 9:23-24 "...Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches: but let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth [M]me, that I am the Lord which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth, for in these things I delight, saith the Lord." 

But the laborers are YOU...

There are dreams and aspirations in my heart that I keep suppressed (no one is suppressing them BUT me - I'm learning that one the hard way, as usual) along with thoughts of kindness, gestures, and good deeds toward others. Not to mention the gifts, skills, and talents that I keep buried in the sand, safely kept in tact until the shrewd Taskmaster returns on the day of reckoning and rewards me by calling me a 'wicked and slothful servant' - ouch! 

I am beginning to believe that the day of reckoning comes for each of us more than just once at the end of our lives. God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit have all come to me at various times in my life to take a surprise inventory of my life and found me wanting (sounds better than lacking, doesn't it?). And their intent has not been to make me feel like a wicked and slothful servant at all (sounds a lot worse than condemned, right?), but rather to encourage me to be being 'about my Father's business.' 

Just this week, I listened and watched as leaves fell to the ground and realized just how much I love even the very smells of the fall season! At the same time, I heard very softly and several times in my spirit, "the harvest is passed, the summer is ended, and we are not saved." (Jeremiah 8:20) I began to feel one of those 'reckonings' coming on, and I was forced to ask myself, "What have I done?" and "What am I doing?" Not that it was too late, but that it might be - soon (like hearing the end from the beginning). It was a gentle but stern warning to get busy with what I perceive God to be telling and leading me to do so as to avoid future regrets of missed opportunities.

Just imagine, if you will, tilling and cultivating soil (a lot of work!), planting and watering seeds, watching them grow into mature plants, and then missing the harvest. Why? Because we got tired of waiting? Distracted? Offended? Deceived? Lazy?(sounds better than wicked and slothful, don't it?) Whatever the reason, missing harvest would be bad enough. But to realize that we are also still not saved would be a double whammy. That is like not being called to the dinner table at the end of the day because you didn't finish your chores!

September 23, 2010 was another day of reckoning for me, the day my son ended his life. Thank God that he was saved, despite opposing views concerning the eternal fate of those who commit suicide (One can live to a 'ripe old age' - pun intended - and still not be saved in the end). But two years later I am again being asked, in a sense, to give an account for my life and my actions. Am I still not saved? Mature in Christ? Perfected in love? Do I still not get it? That there is a really big harvest, white and ripe, awaiting me right outside my front and/or back door...maybe even closer?

Lord of the harvest, I really do want to hear you say to me, 'Well done, good and faithful servant...enter into the joy of your Lord!' But I realize that I won't hear that if I continue to withhold from You the very things that You placed in me to accomplish the good works that You have already prepared for me to walk in. Please help me to uncover what I have kept hidden away from You and others and to become the laborer that You have called me to be for this generation. Amen

Follow Me...

“…and I will make you fishers of men.” Jesus said to His disciples in Matthew 4. But in Mark 1 He said it a little differently, “Come after me…” which I like a lot better because it actually implies following. While in Jerusalem I saw a t-shirt that said it this way, “Then Yeshua said to them, follow Me and I will make you become fishers of men.” That became real to me in that moment for two reasons. One, it was as though Jesus Himself was speaking directly to me (by His Hebrew name). And two, it was spoken as a command in a manner I had never heard before…I will make you become (or as in accordance with Hebrew thinking, you will be becoming.) Not only was this very direct for me, but it was also very comforting because I realized in that statement that HE would do the making and not I. For years I have been trying to ‘follow Him’ and ‘become,’ but now all I needed to do was follow, or come after Him. In Mark 1, the Greek carries with it an interjection, “Come here! Now!,” and then come after or get behind Me, follow in My steps, go where I go.

I also got some hands on training in this very thing while in Jerusalem. We had a tour guide, a Levite who lived in the city, leading our group of about 24 people. Not only did he live in Jerusalem, but he had led many tour groups around the city many times and therefore knew his way through the narrow ‘streets’. At times it became difficult to keep up with him because there were so many people constantly moving and stopping and yelling and trying to sell and buy things. The best thing for me to do was to follow to the person in our group who was ahead of me, provided they didn’t stop to buy something. At that point, it became a matter of judgment because I was faced with waiting on that person or going on without them hoping they would eventually catch up. But it also became a matter of faith and trust because I couldn’t always see the tour guide. I literally had to keep moving and believe that I was heading in the right direction, which became even more difficult when I arrived at a junction in the road. At that point I had to either try to find someone in the group, the guide, or simply(?) walk by faith and pray that I was going to choose the right way! Believe it or not, by doing these things I never got lost (at least, while with the tour group), and I also learned something very interesting and spiritually life-changing.

Jesus says to follow Him and then goes on ahead. And He expects us to do just that – follow Him. And just like our tour guide, He doesn’t always stop to make sure that we are behind Him. He is counting on us to keep following and to keep up as best we can. But He doesn’t expect us to do this on our own either, so He gives us faith and the leading of the Holy Spirit to help us on the journey through the hustle and bustle of the ‘narrow streets’ of life. It is His responsibility to get me to where He has called me to be. Thus making Him 'the Way, Truth, and Life.' My new understannding of following Jesus: by faith in Him and trusting what He says, and the leadership of the Spirit even though I have no idea where I am going.

A new sound...

I have understood for a while now that the Hebrew way of thinking is like rowing a boat backwards into the future, which is similar to 'hind-sight being 20/20.' About 15 years ago, God spoke to me about hearing a new sound (musically, that is) and I remember wrestling with that for quite some time as I tried to figure out what exactly that meant. He also said that, at that time, I had already been hearing it, which only made it more difficult for me to process. I had been previously discovering and rediscovering various genres of music and thought that might be what He was referring to. So, for the next several years I tried to walk in -and walk out- what I believed He was speaking to me which didn't seem to be betting me any closer to clarity.

I moved to Franklin, Tennessee in 2000 and participated in every worship team that I came across, still trying to discover, understand, and even apply this 'new sound' I was supposedly hearing. Finally, after almost giving up on lots of things including church, I found myself joined to a local church where I quickly became involved with the worship team and ultimately, the worship leader. In this new-found position, I was able to do things musically that I had always wanted to do and some others that I had never thought possible. I believed that I had finally arrived at the fulfillment of that prophetic word after all those years. After sometime I became a little frustrated and somewhat discouraged when it seemed that no one else was hearing or embracing this new sound that I was working so diligently to produce and share and wanted to quit. God would not allow it but He kept admonishing me to keep at it. Each song each week brought more revelation and took me to new levels and deeper depths of praise and worship that I had not known in all my years of worship-leading as I followed the sound that I was hearing within my heart and spirit.

Then on September 23, 2010 tragedy struck when my teenaged son committed suicide. The sound (and my world) came to an abrupt stop...at least for a while. Not only was there no sound from within or without, it was as though I had never heard it. Ever. 

So why am I writing about this now? The other day I sat and listened -like for the first time- to a few songs that I included in some of my worship sessions that I hadn't listened to since that time. The lyrics spoke about chains of death being broken, clouds of darkness being dispelled, captives being free in this year of Jubilee, and victory in the camp. All because of the shout of El Shaddai! "Can you hear it?" is how that song actually started and then it hit me...the new sound. And yes, I had been hearing it all along! But suddenly I realized why. Almighty God, by the power of the Holy Spirit, had spoken a word into my spirit many years ago that led me to a time and a place in which that word would fully manifest in my life at a time when I couldn't have need it more because He knew what was coming down the road for me. And once that happened, I no longer heard. In fact, I didn't even want to hear it. It was as if that word -and that sound- had run it's course in my life and the mission was accomplished. In other words, God's word to me did not return to Him VOID.

I also believe that the sound was gone for another reason. The next year I found myself in Israel, of all places. And had I gone there with a sound and a song in my heart, my trip would have been completely different. But because I was empty, I went there to receive only. It wasn't until after we had visited the empty tomb, had communion, and then entered into a time of worship that someone received a word from the Lord that it was time for me to sing. As I opened my mouth to sing, I began to hear the sound once more and it was new all over again...

When God begins to pick up the pieces...

"When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations, 'The Lord has done great things for them.'
The Lord has done great hings for us, and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him." (Psalm 126)

I don't know at exactly what point I began to feel this turning in my spirit concerning my grief over the death of my son (I must use that word 'death' because that keeps it real for me). Maybe it was when God brought me into the midst of a group of believers who were not afraid to weep and mourn with me. I feel as though I had been doing enough of that on my own and now it was time to have some real help. There is a Bulgarian proverb that says joy shared is doubled, while sorrow that is shared is diminished. Or maybe it was the last time I visited my son's grave (another reality for me) and though I was only there briefly, it was the first time I did not cry. I learned in Israel that people there visit graves to celebrate the lives of those they have lost. From that time I began to look forward to the day that I would be able to do that - with real joy.

I thought I understood the word 'restoration' years ago when I used to sing about it, and maybe I did but only to a certain degree. Especially when I would think about the joy of my salvation and the new life I had obtained in Christ. But the restoration that I am coming to understand now is much different and far greater than that. In fact, it is even a little scary because it is coming to me as the result of my having sown much tears and weeping. David also said in Psalm 30 that weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. I don't think I realized how much sorrow and darkness I had experienced until I started to see the light of day and joy began to resurface on the horizon. Although it is just starting, I already feel like I'm dreaming and afraid to wake up if I am. Or like I'm waking up from what I thought or hoped was only a dream. A Christian songwriter once wrote: "...but on the inside things can happen, in a war we'll never see there will come a victory." (Jesus spoke of the kingdom of God in a similar manner)

But the Negev is a very dry place...until the rains come and cause the streams to flow through it (which reminds me of another song, "For My Growing," by Mylon LeFevre). Can the Lord produce rivers in the desert? Yes, He can. And I am beginning to understand that in my sorrow I have been sowing seeds and watering them at the same time with my tears. And the master Gardener and Husbandman has been faithfully watching over them and is now giving the increase as only He can do. Not only that, but I also believe that He has been strengthening me -in my weakness- to be able to carry the sheaves that will be gleaned from the coming harvest. Sheaves that will provide 'seed' to others who may be sowing their own tears and weeping...

broken vessels

You know how you start to decorate for Christmas and you are rummaging through boxes, bags, and cartons looking for all the decorations that you know should be there and you stumble upon a few items that you forgot were there? Usually, they are ornaments that have been used many times over the years that you just can't seem to throw away, even though they are a bit out-dated because they seem to add that special 'touch' to the holiday. And you find that your rummaging has taken you down memory lane where you pause a moment as you hold these very special ornaments in your hand, recalling the origin and sentiment of each one. Oftentimes it is just a few out of the entire assortment of decorations that have this unique quality about them. Well, just about the time that you decide to 'reuse' them you realize that they have become cracked, broken, damaged slightly, but not quite enough to be thrown away...mostly because of how much you value them.

Tonight, I realized that this is now my family and we are those ornaments. Christopher's death has done this to us. This Christmas I find myself rummaging through memory after memory trying to find useful things to decorate with that will "help to make the season bright." I voiced some of these thoughts in a prayer on my way to bed and asked God to fix us and was interrupted with the thought 'strengthen that which remains.' I also felt that His response - if there was one - was not necessarily to 'fix' but to use us. Because just like the ornaments, each one of us holds sentimental value to Him even in this damaged condition and, ironically, that is what will add a very unique and timeless touch to His seasonal decorating.

This is probably what the apostle Paul meant when he said that we posses this treasure (the gospel) in earthen vessels. God knows that we are just fragile clay, but also that we are very useful and necessary to Him for carrying and declaring this good news to a broken world even if we ourselves are broken. And He is also a master Craftsman when it comes to 'restoring' broken things to their original or mint (unmarred, as if fresh from a place where something is manufactured) condition. In fact, that's why He sent Jesus, to seek and to save that which was lost and to redeem us back to Himself. And in grand style, along with angelic hosts announcing, 'peace on earth and good will to men' during a time when there was none, and that is still His mission today. THIS is the true meaning of Christmas that should never be covered over with beautiful decorations or packed away in storage bins and forgotten until next year.

God knows...

...but we don't. It's getting to be just that simple for me.

Tonight I looked at a photo of my family from around the time we adopted our son, Christopher. He was about six months old at the time, our oldest son was almost two years old, and my wife and I never looked better. We were such a happy and beautiful family that I began telling people that we were 'the family that God built' because I knew He was the only One who could create such a family. And we were such a family.

We went on to become the poster family for the adoption agency that we went through to adopt our sons. From there, we spoke at churches and other functions in an effort to inspire other African-American families to do what we had done. We even participated in a pro-life rally in Montgomery, Alabama where I had the opportunity to sing and speak on the steps of the Capitol building! Our future was definitely bright and very promising, as I believed every word of Jeremiah 29:11. Once when our boys were older and we were expecting (finally!) our daughter, we received a prophetic word from the Lord that our entire family would be on stage ministering 'family.' 

We also went on to experience our share of raising teenagers, and the challenges therein, along with our share of family dysfunction and malfunction. We seemed to be becoming a typical family, while trying to live godly as much as we knew how to. High school, football games, and dating made their way into our lives as well, along with behavioral issues, personality developments and conflicts, and bad habits, like smoking and sneaking out of the house. But it wasn't all bad. There was a lot to laugh about, which we did - a lot. And there is a lot to be proud of, which I am.

But who knew of the tragedy lurking around the corner waiting to strike our family? We certainly didn't. God did. And the only thing He told us, prophetically, was that there was a spirit of death in our home that we took authority over. Or did we? Could we? Looking back, we did everything we knew to do at that time, especially me being the strong man that Jesus spoke about in Matthew 12. I addressed the devil and my son on several occasions about their futures according to the scriptures. But who knew? God did. From the time we first laid eyes on him as a three month-old baby and my wife later had a 'burden' that we should adopt him.

If it is true that God knows the end from the beginning, and then in Ecclesiastes declares that the end of a thing is better than its beginning, then God must know something that we don't. And I think He chooses not to reveal it to us mostly because He knows that we will not believe and follow His plan or we will do like Peter and try to thwart it. How many times have we taken Him aside and rebuked Him because we didn't like what He said and thought it was the devil? Only to find, again like Peter, that WE get rebuked for playing the devil's advocate?  A Christian songwriter once wrote,

"God is God and I am not.
I can only see a part of the picture He's painting.
God is God and I am man.
So I'll never understand it all, for only God is God."

This answers everything in our lives that we can't explain and don't understand. God alone reserves all the rights and privileges to be, do, and know. We, on the other hand, reserve the right and privilege to trust Him, knowing that He knows what we don't. Jeremiah says it best in chapter 9:24, "...but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight." I find great comfort, peace, and strength as I allow myself to accept and rest in this truth.

Faith is...what?

I am mainly asking myself -again- what I really believe and why. Most of the time I am pretty sure of what I believe, I am just not sure why. Other times it seems the other way around. The rest of the time I am not so sure that I am sure of anything...except my faith in a God that I have never seen. This is the new underlying current of my life when all else makes no sense...God.

I am also learning a lot about what faith is not. I have spent many years in faith 'movements' that have helped me to understand certain aspects of it, but nothing like the one that is moving me right now. What do you do when all that you believe gets a curve ball thrown at it? Or is blind-sided? One thing I have learned is that I held a bat with a curve that was bigger than I ever imagined and that I have been paying premiums on a far greater 'assurance' policy than I realized. This is another aspect of faith...it is meant to see me through the difficult times, just as it has seen me through the good times in my life. And it takes the same amount, a grain of mustard seed. Sometimes, like now, I feel that is all I have and that it is enough. The same thing Jesus told Paul when He said, "My grace is sufficient (enough), for My strength is made perfect in weakness..."

I am also learning that faith is trust and true faith is trust in God, whether I am facing the Red Sea, the lions' den, or Golgotha. And aren't we as believers told to take up our cross and follow Him, denying our selves? That takes some serious trust! Especially when we understand the purpose of a cross and it's final destination. Never in all my years as a 'Christian' have I known this kind of trust in Jesus as Savior and Lord, and yet now it seems this is where He has been leading me all along. I have made several commitments to follow Him, the last one being at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, a time when I mean it wholeheartedly and my future seemed more uncertain than ever before.

Now if faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen, then what I am hoping for is changing as I become more aware that it is Christ in me, the hope of glory and my life is hidden with Him in God to be fully revealed at the last day (along with my faith). And without (true) faith (in God), it is IMPOSSIBLE to please Him, because in order to come to Him I must first believe that He is (exists). And if I seek Him diligently, then the reward is finding HIM, which also means to find my true self that has been hidden away with Christ in Him. Right now this diligent search means so much more to me than anything I have ever applied my 'faith' to, including trying to keep my son alive or bring him back from death. Why? Because my life, ultimately, and the saving of many others heavily depend on it.

"Here I am..."

"...at the end, I'm in need of resurrection. 
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead. 
What I've lost to the world, what seems far beyond redemption 
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again."
-Resurrection, Nicole Smith


One year after my son's death, I feel like this is where I am. Lately, there has been this hollow feeling deep inside me that I can't locate or explain. But it's there. So may things I once knew, had, understood, did, and sought after have all somehow made it down into this hollow space and never to return. It's almost as though God has gotten into the control panel of my heart and life and uninstalled some programs and sent them to the recycle bin to be deleted. Now I am waiting for new necessary programs to be installed...upgrades, if you will.


And this is not a bad thing. I am thinking about what Paul said in Philippians about counting all things loss in exchange for the excellency of knowing Jesus, the One for whom I have suffered the loss of these things that I may ultimately win Him (whatmichaelbrownthinks paraphrase). With every loss there is a void that must be filled with something. It is becoming my belief that only Jesus can and wants to effectively fill these voids with Himself, but we have to allow Him to do so. What He fails to mention is the awful pain associated with these losses that are designed to get us to that place of need. If we don't allow Him to fill those empty places they will be filled with something. And without death there can be no resurrection, something He knows full well.


I do not believe that He gives and takes away, as Job stated, but rather that He is the One who replenishes what has been taken away. And in His sovereignty He allows things in our lives to be lost so that there can be a true redemption of those things, and even our very lives. If it is true that He chose us to bear fruit that will remain, then He must know what needs to be pruned from us in order to produce that fruit. We are not the gardener - nor the potter - only the new creation that He is trying to make. And being created in His image and likeness, He is the only One who knows what the end result will look like. (1 John 3:2)

a father's pain...

Someone once told me that I am a 'Bill Cosby' dad. This was during the time my wife and I were expecting our daughter. I was so excited that I only missed one appointment from the time we first learned we were pregnant until she was born and I was constantly talking to her and cradling her...while she was in the womb! My two sons were adopted so I missed that time with them, which I believe is a very critical time in their lives. Nevertheless, I was with my oldest when he was circumcised at about age 2 and I got to see my second son first learn to crawl (backwards!) and then take his first steps.

As they all grew to crawl, walk, talk, and eventually run my heart grew more tender toward them when they  stumbled. Once my daughter fell trying to run to me. My oldest son got his hand caught in an exercise bike and cried for me until I got home. My second son almost blew his hand off with a smoke bomb. As they became older there were roller blades, scooters, and bikes and the boys played football and, of course, the bumps and bruises grew worse. You see, they knew that I was always the one who removed the splinters, glass fragments, and ticks and whatever else I could do to 'make it better.' I think it was probably more for ME to feel better because my heart would ache knowing that they had hurt themselves in any way. Once my second son had a toothache that hurt so bad it brought him to tears and because he was bigger than I -and a little stronger- it took everything I had to try to hold him and comfort him, especially when we went to the emergency room to get it looked at. I remember telling him that if I could make it go away I would. I think that may have helped a little, though we both knew that I couldn't.

So imagine how my heart ached and broke when I looked up into my attic and saw this same son hanging from a rope tied around his neck. After climbing up there (in a matter of seconds) and feeling that same pity as always I asked him, "Boy! What have you done?" I held him and cried for what seemed like an eternity until we cut him down and laid him to rest in the insulation. But then there came a peace that I can't explain as I began to realize he wasn't hurting anymore from the pain he had been feeling inside. He himself had found a way to make that go away. And just like the toothache, I wished there was something I could have done to make it all better, but we both knew that I couldn't. Especially not this time. Somehow I feel like I did take at least some of his pain, and not just because of my grief and sorrow, but rather in beginning to understand just how much he was really hurting inside. And I still find myself trying to do something about it...

losing more than a son

This is probably more my own personal experience than my opinion, although I do believe that any death of any loved one in any way has lots of losses attached to it. However, when the death is suicide, it seems to cut deeper and much wider. I am referring mostly to relationships. From family to friends (even enemies) and everything in between. For me, grieving would be a lot easier and would probably have ended by now had it only been over the loss of my son. I must admit, I was dealt a blow above and below the belt that I just didn't see coming! Even if someone had warned me, I don't think that would have lessened the blow much.
I have found myself concluding within myself that I am not the one who committed suicide. Neither am I the one who caused my son to commit suicide. Yet people who were close to me have made me feel as though I have a terminal disease that is contagious or that I am now wearing somewhat of a 'scarlet letter' on my breast to keep them away, lest they too should become affected/infected by it. Yet in the center of that crowd of onlookers and passers-by I am here with Jesus as He writes in the sand and turns my would-be accusers away one by one.
I am learning - the hard way - that it really doesn't have anything to do with me or my son, but rather a struggle within themselves to deal with the shocking and sudden reality that suicide brings like no other. To ask questions that can't be answered yet. And to ignore the very obvious which can't be ignored. Not realizing that I struggle with all of these but much more frequently. And until we face these very difficult and painful issues head-on, we will never experience the freedom and peace that really does transcend our understanding.
Only then, I believe, can we truly be there for those survivors of suicide who really need someone to just...be there.
There is a bright side to all of this. It seems that through the absence of these people, many others have come along to fill their places and I have been blessed to meet some really warm and caring people who don't seem the least bit turned off by my son's death, but almost attracted to it and not afraid to show it. This too has taught me a lot about my Savior and my God and the heart they must have for people who are suffering. Jesus said in Matthew 5:4 that those who mourn are blessed, for they shall be comforted. If you have somehow found yourself in my shoes, then I encourage you to find comfort in Him and His words.

...and another one gone

Yes, another teenager has committed suicide. Well, I know there have been several but I was closely connected to this one. He was the same age as my son, 17, and he also hung himself at home just like my son. But when they told me that he broke his neck in the process, that really got me to thinking about the pain this young man must have been experiencing on the inside to inflict so much pain on the outside. And what a painful way physically to rid oneself of pain inwardly! I have heard that said about body-piercings and cutting and there must be a lot of truth to that.
But I was also thinking about other outward acts of pain like rape, assault, child abuse, and even murder. Perhaps these all originate from a similar place of pain inside a person that they may be trying to find relief from, but it just doesn't work. Suicide may seem to be an effective means to end the inner pain for those who know no other way, but ironically, it only creates more outward pain for all the surviving loved ones and friends. But there is, I believe, another much more effective Way to deal with the inner pain and His name is Jesus. He will either heal it, remove it, or walk one through it without causing pain to anyone else. This is how I am 'handling' the pain that was caused by my son's suicide and I highly recommend him to everyone out there who may be experiencing something similar or just as painful.

The journey continues...

So now this tragedy seems to be leading me to Israel of all places and I am feeling somewhat thankful to Christopher for this. Jesus said that except see grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies it abides alone, but it yields a harvest. And I believe I am beginning to get a new understanding of this in this season of my life. But it doesn't come without a price and it ain't cheap. Is it worth it though? From God's viewpoint it is. For who understands this better than He?

Some things never go away...

I was thinking about this today and started reading about Jesus and His prayer in the garden of Gethsemane. He prayed earnestly for 'this cup to pass' but wound up surrendering to the unchangeable will of the Father.
This, I believe is why He was able to tell Paul, after he pleaded with Him three times that His grace was sufficient because His strength is made as perfect in weakness. I also believe this is what He told me while I was praying about the pain that I have been feeling lately. I too have to surrender and submit myself to the 'will' (good pleasure) of the Father, knowing that though my spirit is willing, my flesh is powerless and cannot handle what is inevitable and unchangeable. AND then believe the unchangeable truth that His grace really is sufficient so that I can receive it and allow it to be manifested in me and thus have His strength (Philippians 4:13) made perfect in my weakness.

life is all about choices

Especially the choice to live. In Deuteronomy 30:19, God admonishes His people to "choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live..." Life is all about choices and we are constantly faced with them. From what we eat for breakfast to where we choose to reside. But the choice to live is more than just remaining alive physically, it also has to do with deciding to be alive in every way, spirit, soul, and body. Yes, we are all going to die of something, as it is appointed unto man once to die (Hebrews (9:27), but what we do to expedite that fact can make all the difference. When we decide to take our own life, we also take life away from all of those around us and replace it with pain and scars that can last a lifetime.
At some point my son began to believe that it was better to be dead than to be alive. James 1:15 talks about a progression that I think supports my claim. He said that we are drawn away by our lusts or desires and then enticed. It then becomes sin or transgression and eventually death. I believe the more we choose to believe anything, eventually that is what we will become or have manifested outwardly in our lives. Romans 10 says that we believe with the heart and then confession or agreement is made or formed according to that belief - whatever it is. To believe that one is already dead only stands to reason that one will die, even while living.
I believe that we have to do whatever it takes with all our heart, soul, and mind to make sure that we are believing the truth.
One way to do this is what Jesus spoke of in Mark 4:24, when he said to take heed what we hear. There are many different voices and influences that we can choose to listen to, or not, that will help us determine what we believe and what will be carried out in our lives. Which is exactly why we should be very careful in choosing the ones we allow to enter in and influence what we believe. If we truly believe that life is worth living, then we will truly live and encourage others to do the same.
Personally, I didn't realize how much I wasn't really living all these years until my son died. That is one good thing that has come to me from all of this - choosing to really live in every way. And I encourage everyone who reads this to do the same.

the dark sayings of a teenager

Part of what I hope to do is to help parents and teenagers learn from things we saw in our son, and live as a result. I spoke with the mother of a struggling teen recently and she asked me if my son had any dark writings.Of course he did and we knew about them. He was a huge fan of dark, everything from clothes to music and movies. We were always trying to encourage his 'creative writing' while discouraging the darkness contained therein but he seemed bent on embracing the dark side of just about everything, especially music. I am not afraid to say that he loved Eminem and the song 'Stan.' (He had pretty much memorized all of the lyrics to many of Eminem's songs) Looking back now, the only thing I think I would do different is turn up the volume on the positive influence in the hope that I might overshadow the negative thereby diminishing its hold somehow. That is, of course, knowing what I know now.

I want to share some of his writings here and encourage parents to be aware of what your children are doing, writing, watching, listening to, and even who they are dating and hanging out with. Some of the things that we are yet discovering have stirred a lot of mixed emotions for my family, mostly the pain of the truth and the helplessness of not being able to have done anything to prevent them without keeping him locked up in the house or juvenile. If you really care about your teen/s, then become the best 'anti-drug' you can be while constantly affirming your love for them and helping to develop their character.

My son wrote this long before he took his life last year:
The light is slowly fading, turning gray
My only concern is, what should I say?
My last few words should reflect who I am
People should see them and think, wow, what a great man!
But the other side of me wants to say what I've hidden
But another side of me wants to say, I'm just kidding
 But the fact of the matter is that I'm still dying
And what matters the most is that I'm still trying
To please all my friends and the one that I love
 But I guess it's too late, I'm too high above

I sincerely hope this helps someone enough to save their life. I am tired of this teen suicide epidemic already.